Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you. Lotsa wonderful pictures of our time together can be found here and here!

XO,

~Anne, Doug and Anton

Thank you, God.

~:M A R L I S • A N D • M O L L Y:~

It's not often that you meet the perfect person for a healthy friendship. And it's even more unlikely that you meet two at once. So I feel pretty blessed to have these 2 women as very good friends. Marlis and Molly. I actually met Marlis while we were both Portfolio Center students - she as an Illustration major, me as a Design major. But I really didn't get to know her well until we met again at a Callenwolde calligraphy class. That's where we met Molly, too. The three of us had great fun together and became fast friends. We started meeting up every Friday morning at Java Monkey (the Minkee) for breafast and lonnnng long talks. When I first quit my job to start my own gig, they were both incredibly supportive and always fun.

We've just found out that Molly is moving. While I am excited for their family to evolve and grow, I am sad and will miss her. Molly and Marlis planned to throw a shower for me, which had to be rescheduled because of my hospitalization. But because of this crazy time of year, we ended up cancelling the event and had an intimate gathering of our own. Very sweet and yummy and rejuvenative. So here are some sweet picturess of our fun time together. God bless Marlis and Molly!

I should be in bed by now but I need to share with you all what it feels like to watch your baby learn how to smile. Smiling expresses pleasure and it's the most wonderful gift to give another person. Smile at them. My friend Tina says that when your baby smiles - it's pay day for you. Last night at 3AM, I woke up to feed Anton and he smiled at me BIG time. A full-faced smile with his mouth and eyes. He's an angel. There's nothing like the feeling you get when you know your child is content enough to smile and be sociable.

Taking care of Anton is getting way more fun these days. He's becoming more interactive - looks deeply into my eyes. Searches for me from across the room. Responds to my voice. Coos with pleasure.

What else is nice about Anton? He can sleep 8-9 hours straight at night, so we're all getting more sleep these days. This means my headaches are getting better and I continue to feel more grounded. I had another day with no headache this week. I will be so happy to have more of them.

I fit into my old "skinny" jeans this week. Boy, are they TIGHT, but I managed to squeeze into them. This is another happy milestone!

I am beginning to feel more like a mother. More capable. Less detached from people and my previous life. My worlds are meeting and I am beginning to believe that I can do this.

I AM doing it.

There is nothing like picking up your baby and resting his head on your neck. Feeling his hot breath whisper in your ear. Tiny little panting noises. He smells like vanilla. Sweet and warm and pudgy. Perfect little creature.

My Anton. My sweet boy. My life. My joy. My child. My boy.

Anton is dressed here in a "Pee Pee TeePee" - a baby gift from my friend Rita. These little thingies work like a charm - preventing the mark of Zoro on my shirt and face during the dangerous work of diaper changes. For a split second there I was thinking, "Too bad they only come in blue for boys - they'd be really cute in pink" And then the thought hit me that girls are made differently. I have placenta brain and can't think any more.

Some good news other than Anton, is that I've had two days in a row now without a bad headache. I also took a walk on Monday and felt grounded for the first time, like I wasn't going to float away and faint. I'm getting my strength back in my core - like I can stand on my feet and stretch my muslces and get out of breath and have it feel good. I just want to feel normal, you know?

Sat at my desk for the first time in months yesterday, printed out a calendar and started writing things down. It's a bit overwhelming to look at your life again and wonder how you're going to juggle the old and new. Hmmmph.

Bjorn pooped in four places and peed in two in Anton's room today. I am going to kill him. Grrrrrr.

We celebrated Anton's first Holiday this weekend starting with Thanksgiving Dinner in Atlanta and the rest of the weekend in Clayton. Above is a beautiful picture of Gloria and Mia holding Anton. They all got to meet for the first time.

Packing a car with a new baby is very tricky. We brought Bjorn, too, which only added to our load. Life's wonderfully complicated, though. The drive up was very happy. Doug and I used to make this trip wishing we had a baby in the back seat. This year our wish came true.

Introducing Anton to my brother Peter was a real thrill. Another dream come true. I am still battling headaches. I wish they would go away. I think the constant looking down and handling the baby is hard on my neck and shoulders. Being an older mother I'm sure makes it harder, too. I so want to feel normal. When I don't have a headache, it's so liberating. THIS is what I'm supposed to feel like! It's what normal should be.
I'll continue to be patient.

We took more pictures of the weekend. Check them out!

Thanksgiving in Atlanta

Thanksgiving in Clayton

Oh, and I miss you all. I miss being able to blog, having the energy to float around and visit other blogs. I miss knitting every day. I miss sleep. I miss feeling well. But when you see the pictures we're taking of Anton, you'll see the logic of why our race thrives. There's no denying him. His job is to sleep and eat and thrive. And mine is to make sure he does.

Love to you all,

~Anne

~: S I X • W E E K S • O L D:~

Good morning Friends of Anton,

Things are going well here at the Elser house. I have been recovering very well and finally feel like myself again. Here's why:

1. Headaches are getting better. In addition to meds from the neurologist, I am seeing my chiropractor again, who suspected a pinched nerve might be part of my head pain. He was correct and I've got my life back again.

2. I can take walks again. And am strong enough to push Anton's carriage. This is very freeing, feeling the cool fall breeze and pushing my baby while he sleeps.

3. I can drive again. I'm off the meds that make me too sleepy to drive. So now I've got my independence back and can go out whenever I wish, as long as someone can watch Anton.

4. I can carry Anton in his carrier. I'm strong enough to lift him in and out of the car without doing damage to my surgery site or my neck and shoulders. This means we can go out TOGETHER whenever we wish! Even more independence.

5. Anton can sleep a 6 hour stretch at night! So we often get enough sleep at night, which is wonderful feeling.

6. Bjorn is back home! And is a different dog, after having lived with the pack for over a month. He follows directions much better now, is not a fussy eater any longer and is respectful of Anton and "shows" Anton to newcomers who enter the house. He's eager and well adjusted and not a bit jealous. God bless Vida Ellis, who kept him safe and entertained while I was so sick.

7. I went to church last Sunday and received prayer for my continued healing. The person praying with me got the sense that I had attached shame to my difficulties with the pregnancy, birth and postpartum period. She was right. So we prayed about that specifically. There's a part of me that thinks brought this experience on myself and that I deserved the pain and difficulty. As if! I am so mean to myself. Right after prayer, I had an opportunity to reject the shame in response to a mildly shaming remark made by someone who came to see Anton. Though it might have been well intended, this person attempted to minimize my discomfort by explaining that it was my duty as a woman to suffer through the pregnancy and that my experience was no more or less painful than any other woman's. "Oh, no" I said. "This was no normal pregnancy or birth. I had three rare pregnancy complications, two of which were life-threatening and one of which could have been prevented, were it not for the neglect of the nurse the day I had the seizure." So I was able to defend myself without returning the favor of shame. Way to go Anne!

I can't imagine how much stronger I will feel once I begin working again. Being able to balance Anton with my previous life before pregnancy will feel wonderful, I am sure. I want all my worlds to meet.

I love having Mom and Dad so close. It's like Christmas every day, having them here to play with and love Anton. Giving your parents a grandchild is the best way to say thank you for al the years of love and sacrifice they gave to you. I am so in love and man, oh man. do I understand my mother more now. More than ever before. Being a mother myself, even at this early stage, has done a lot to broaden my understanding of her perspective. The bond between mother and child is based on emotion purely. Without the emotion, the physical link doesn't work. Breast milk comes only when you think about and love your baby. Milk production is powered by your need for your baby and his for you. It's an amazing process. And I am humbled by it.

I have new pictures for you all to see here: Anton: Week 6

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

~Anne

~:C O N T R O L:~

Though I'm madly in love with Anton, I've said goodbye to the notion of control. At least for the time being. This is the largest reality shift I've ever made. I've been brought to my knees by this beautiful creature. We're both new to everything. All of this.

Having decided my life had space for a new being - to enlarge our family, I've got to make room for new things and say goodbye to others. Control being the first. I am a schedule freak. A list maker. An organizer. The person who does it best. The person who thinks of things first. A fixer. A doer. A person who finishes tasks. Who makes everything.

Today I am a person who is new at this huge life shift and is struggling to just keep my balance. Mom says you just get better at it and your confidence grows as you do. She says I sound better than I think I do. And that I'm doing fine. I have no reference other than to think SHE, my own mother, has more experience and could do it better.

So today I just felt overwhelmed. I cried. Anton just looked up at me with the sweetest look on his face. I sang the Skye Boat Song to him and just rocked him. Both of us actually. I woke him up from his nap and whispered in his ear that God was with us. Oh boy, do I need God now. Now more than ever.

So, yes. He is beautiful and I love him. And yes, I am scared to death. Not missing my old life so much. Just unsure about the new one. I have to remind myself of all the previous new hard big things I've accomplished so far. And that I did them well, after letting the boat rock me into a new schedule. Once I find it, I'll be just fine. It's how I've done things in the past. Find the footing.

Maybe Anton's my footing and I just don't know it yet.

Hey guess what? I walked to the mailbox and back today! For the first time in over 3 months. What joy! I also ran the dishwasher. And we're moving the cat box back inside so I can clean it again. And BjornMouse comes home tomorrow night. So we'll be a family again.

Oh, and my tits are on fire. Gotta go. Time to wake up Anton!

I love you all,

~Anne

~:F O U R • Y E A R • A N N I V E R S A R Y:~

Doug and I celebrated our four year wedding anniversary yesterday. Anton's the real gift. A neighbor brought us pot roast for dinner and we went to bed early - exhausted and deliriously happy.

My head's feeling much less sore, though now I'm experiencing tension headaches at night. I wish I could snap my fingers and get rid of them. I am impatient about the time it's taking for my body to heal. I should be better to myself. I think these new headaches are about the huge responsibility before me now. I am in charge of someone's life. It's crazy. Me? Take charge and make sure things are in place for Anton to thrive? Like I know what I'm doing?
Nanny and I took Anton to his 2nd check up at the pediatrician on Wednesday. Gaining an ounce a day and doing very well. Though I kept thinking the nurse and Dr. were scrutinizing me. "Who put HER in charge? SHE'S a mother?" I know it's all in my head and is all about my own insecurities. I kept thinking, "What if he gets sick?" And then I'd say to myself, "Um, you'd take him to his doctor and then he'd get better."

Enough about me...

Anton's a real trip. We are all pretty dern sure he's got Doug's legs. He loves to stretch them out whenever possible, especially when you put him in a pair of pants. It's hysterical to watch. I think the first thing he'll want instead of a Tonka Truck, would be his own ottoman.

We let the cats back in the house this weekend. I missed them. They're curious about Anton - but shoot out of the room if he cries. There's an awful lot of sniffing going on. I'm sure there's more to come when Bjorn gets back.

I remember there being a TV in the family delivery recovery room they gave me after the c-section. And I remember thinking, WHO would ever want to stop looking at their newborn baby and turn to the TV for entertainment?

Still getting the hang of all this new baby stuff. Major lifestyle change - for the better. I don't see imperfections in the house anymore. I don't see dust bunnies on the floor. I don't pick apart unfinished projects I've got around the house anymore. I don't see weeds. All I see is Doug and Anton. And that's beautiful.

To see new pictures of Anton with his Daddy, Baba, Nanny and more go here: Anton: Week 3

Love,

~Anne, Doug & Anton

~:S L E E P • H U N G E R • L O V E:~Oh joy, this is fun. Such, such fun. Anton and I had our first full day alone together yesterday. We did it! So I'm happy and feeling more confident. I have so many thoughts to share with you all and am too tired at the moment to list them all, but wanted to give you a quick update to let you know we are home and I am doing very well - slowly recovering, slowly saying goodbye to those headaches and moving around more easily around the house.

People have been incredibly generous with food. I've never eaten more healthily before in my life. Nor have I ever had such an appetite. I feel pretty chipper during the day. Mornings feel best. But by 6:00, I am more tired than I can describe in words. The best I can manage is to raise a fork to my face and shovel food into my own mouth. Sounds ridiculous, but it's true.

We feed Anton again around midnight and then try to stretch those night time feedings further and further apart. Though it's tricky - as we all get to know each other. Life's all about who is hungry and who is tired. It's fun, though. Feeding Anton is the most satisfyingly simple thing I've ever done. He really is an easy baby - though he had a meltdown yesterday. I took his cue and had one of my own seconds later. So we all sat in the nursery last night and Doug comforted us both. So sweet.

It must be hard to be a new person, I think. Everything's new. It must be scary to be hungry, to cry... to trust that you'll feel better in a second or two. Trying to see the world through Anton's eyes really is enlightening for me. I feel so much like him. If I were to pick him out of a room of babies, I'd pick him. He feels so mine. Even Doug feels more mine. I love him more and more each day. Having this baby has expanded my heart. My capacity for kindness, humility, grace. I feel like an entirely different person. I feel more of everything.

I am so glad to be home and feeling better. Saturday morning I made toast and coffee and OH it was glorious to be standing in my own kitchen again and NOT be afraid of losing this pregnancy. Missed this house so much. I missed color. I missed sunlight. I missed the sound of crickets. Running water. The feel of a breeze. My bed. Dogs barking. And now Doug and I have Anton to share it with. To hold and stand by a window and point to our front yard and tell him that's all his.

I feel so transformed.

Thank you again to everyone for your gifts, your prayers, your support, your food.

Check out our new round pictures: Anton: Week 2

Love,

~Anne, Doug & Anton

Dear Friends and family,

This is a very wordy e-mai you may wish to glaze over if you don't' have a lazy afternoon or evening to spare for its digestion. Otherwise, enjoy.

First of all, Anton is doing fabulously well. I, however, am not - though on the mend. The very next day after discharge, I was readmitted to the hospital for pregnancy induced hyper tension. Then cluster migraines. And to top it off, experienced a seizure for the first time in my life, was rushed down to the ICU and remained there over night for closer observation. I was readmitted back to my old room here up on HRP and have been slowly weaned off medications like something for bruising that happens to your brain when you get hit with migraines, magnesium sulfate, high blood pressure medication, pain meds, etc. . They will send me home with medication to control this postpartum pregnancy induced hypertension. It has been horrible. The migraine pain on a scale from 1-10 was a twenty. We hope the worst is far behind us and we can go home - and STAY home as a well family at last. Right now we are looking at a date of later this week to go home at last. Something like Weds, Thursday or Friday. Keep your fingers crossed!

Doug, Mom and Dad have been a tremendous help. They have been able to bond with Anton in a way that I have not quite yet had the energy or health to do so. I am told that Anton will remember me once we are close again and in the quite peacefulness of our cozy home. After all, I have a lifetime of memories to build with him, don't I?

The complications of this pregnancy have been such a tremendous test of character for me. I am confident that Doug has passed, Anton has passed and Mom and Dad have as well. All with flying colors. Today I am looking for the faith needed to give myself the same passing grade. There is a voice in my head that pipes up in times in great stress - and I am looking deeply for that voice today. I will have a lot of time for myself to dwell and ponder, pray, meditate and relax.

I pray or peace. I pray to find a new rhythm of this new life of mine quickly. I pray for confidence. Reassurance. Faith. Openness. Love. Grace.

I have to tell you about what an easy-going baby Anton is. He NEVER fusses, unless you change his diaper - end even then, it's ever so temporary. He just goes with the flow. Is easy to tote around. Once swaddled, he looks like a little burrito. He just never fusses. Dad and Doug took him to his first pediatrician appt. yesterday and he passed with flying colors. My sweet baby boy. His story has been the least complicated of everyones. Mine the most. I'd rather it be that way, as painful as it is. Life never stops throwing you curve balls and I pray for peace throughout this big shift. If I can survive what's hard about this, just think of all the new knowledge I'd be able to share with others - just think of how much stronger it will make me. A better person, mother, wife, teacher, daughter, friend.

One thing I need to keep reminding myself is that the seizure I had was BECAUSE of the pregnancy and that once my body is convinced it's no longer pregnant, I'm out of the woods. And as far as living with migraines goes, I now have a new Dr. to guide me through coping with that disease. There are millions of people who cope with it daily and the treatments available just keep getting better and better. So there is hope and I can do this. I will be taking something for anxiety, depression and migraines. It's supposed to be a wonder drug for all three. And I pray it works.

I think what I am facing more now is fear. I have never in my life felt more dependent upon people for compassion and tenderness before. I resisted it with a passion when first being admitted here at Northside Hospital, and even while on modified bed rest at home while teaching. It's hard to be vulnerable and ask for help. But once things got really scary, I begged for it and graciously go it. Not since I was five years old, I was once again cradled in the arms of my mother and husband for naps upon naps. I cannot describe the feeling. Resting your head on the chest of people who love you, as your knees are drawn up under your chin, your arms wrapped around their neck, their arms stroking your back...feels like nothing else. It is a primal return to childhood. An its effects miraculous. During this healing process, I have felt an even deeper connection to Anton in that I understand more fully the depth of his neediness. We are the same, Anton and I. Both creatures of the same body, both familiar with the same heartbeat. Both dependent upon the same loving group of support people. When I close my eyes, I picture his sweet face. When I look in the mirror, I see his face. His neediness, his innocence, his openness. It's a connection hard to put into words.

Please. please say prayers for us. I so want normal life as a mommy to begin. I so want to find and discover that new life. After being here in limbo for so long, walking on eggshells and facing the frightening unknown, it is a wonder I'm still here. But I've got so much to live for. I have family. Friends, A perfect baby boy. And I hope a more active prayer life to guide me through it all.

Thank you so much for your love and support. If there's anything you feel you'd like to do to help us at this time, I would say meals tot he house would be very helpful. My job for the next few weeks will be to eat and feed my baby only. Stairs only twice a day and to sleep whenever I can. Mom and Dad will be with me at the house taking shifts while Doug's at work.

Oh! One more good piece of news is that I am moving around much more comfortably with the c-section scar. It's healing well and I can sit up in bed without too much pulling, can slowly walk around - better and better every day.

I thank you all for your lovely cards and gifts, your thoughts and prayers, your kindness and generosity of spirit. The meaning of community has been strengthened for me - of which you play a tremendous part. Please forgive my lack of gratitude in letters and e-mails. I've got strength for only so much these days and it seems my mantra will be to take it as easy as possible for a while. It'll just be Anton and me - peace and quiet and a whole lot of grace. Please know how very grateful I am for all you've done for us.

Oh! And another thing - Anton, we think, favors Doug's features. His disposition is mine though. So it's a perfect combination. The nurses here at HRP have named Doug "Barbie Dream Husband" because he's so incredibly attentive to me and makes all the nurses laugh with his jokes and antics. I have fallen in love with him all over again - something I've heard from other new parents. Having a baby changes the way you look at your spouse. In every wonderful way possible.

To view more pictures of our precious boy, follow these these links:
here and here
God bless you all.

~Anne, Doug and Anton.

Good morning, everyone. I'm Doug Elser, a guest columnist on the ever-popular annepages. Just wanted to give everyone an update on both Anne and our new arrival, Anton.

Anne was readmitted to Northside on Thursday with problems stemming from postpartum preeclampsia, also known as Pregnancy Induced Hypertension. In an earlier post, she spoke of the horrific headache she had right after delivery. Well, it never really went away...and after being discharged on Wednesday -- without the aid of the good hospital drugs -- the headache came back with a vengeance on Thursday morning.

Anne is such a strong woman, but 37 days in the hospital, plus a c-section, plus a headache that she rated (without hyperbole) as a 20 on a scale of 1 to 10...Well, damn, I can't help but feel that she's had quite enough "character-testing."

when they finally figured out that Anne's 160/105 blood pressure was nearly TWICE her own normal pressure, coupled with the headache, and some bloodwork...they got the diagnosis of PIH correct. and gratefully, it is mild. Her pressures are coming down, and after many many ct-scans and mri's, they have ruled out any serious brain problems. Last night, a headache/migraine specialist came to see us, gave her a cocktail, and now her pain is down from 20 to 3, maybe less (I'll let you know when she wakes up!).

Anne would love to hear from all of you wonderful friends out there via email and your usual wonderful posts here. Signs point toward being released back home on Sunday. and then finally the chance to enjoy our beautiful boy.

grandma Nancy came by with Anton yesterday afternoon, and he got some QT with mommy and daddy. He is too wonderful for words. He's also eating like a little pig, trying to catch up in the weight department so he can start wearing pants that won't make him look like MC Hammer ala 1989.

love to all,

Doug, Anne, and Anton

dear all.

i am in love

with my new baby, my husband, my parents and EVERYTHING.

surgery went super well in spite of being delayed FIVE agonizing hours. i literally cried the whole time and it was just as frightening as i had imagines. while staring at the blue screen, i listed all the things i missed about home: bjorn, my kitchen, baking the cake in clayton, my red chair, the kidney shaped flower bed in our front yard, my flower boxes, the japanese maple, our cozy bedroom, the cradle, the new nursery, doug's mother, my brother, and then i listed bjorn a couple times more...

but nothing prepared me for the little squeek i heard coming from the other side of the screen. it was our little boy, loud and clear. I've added him to my list of most favorite things. i think that is an understatement.

it's a bit of a blur and i can't remember exactly what time he was born. i'd ask doug, but he's fast asleep right now. so I'll post more later and fill you in on the details. I think, THINK he was born at around 3:00. It took me longer to recover - i had the worst headache of my life - very scary, but it went away thanks to a good dose of pain killers and doug's palm on my forehead and the most beautiful prayers I've ever hear come from any one person's mouth. he was masterful.

we are finally parents.

His name is Anton Dusenberry Elser.

more later. night for now.

~:B I M P • I S • R E A D Y:~

After such a long trip, we are cleared for take off! Bimp's lung maturity results came back loud and clear - he is ready.

I will be prepped tomorrow morning here in my room at 6:00 and will be downstairs in the anywhere from 7:00 - 8:00. Surgery is scheduled for 9:00. After living in this four-walled room for a month, they will cut a little window out for Bimp and I to leave - together - to meet you all on the other side.

Next time you get an e-mail from Doug or me, we'll be parents. Oh joy. I cannot explain in words how I feel. Bimp and I enjoyed our last meal together tonight, connected by a physical cord. Mom, Dad and Doug brought a yummy dinner and we chinked our styrofoam cups together in a toast to honor this long journey's end of waiting. It's a little sad, saying goodbye to this pregnancy, though I'm so looking forward to the next stage.

The next time I see Bimp, we'll be breathing the same air. I imagine we'll both be crying.

Sweet dreams,

~Anne

~P I E C E • O F • C A K E:~ Good morning! The amnio was easy cheesey - over really quickly and boy was it smooth. I was more relaxed than I thought I would be. Dr. Eller was amazing. Masterfully calm and confident. I was picturing scrubs and monitors and a flurry of nervous people. This experience has done a lot to boost my confidence in the staff here. My first real procedure having gone so well makes me think the c-section will, too.

Bimp measured at 6 pounds, 2 ounces this morning. He is looking just fine and has a little bit of short hair already. The needle draw felt just like a shot and I was aware of a little cramping, but nothing bad at all. Just a sensation of something being there. I breathed and repeated the word reeeeelaaaaax to myself a couple of times, which really helped. I think I'll try the same technique when they prep me for surgery.

I am to take it easy today. We should know by this afternoon or evening what the results are of the amnio. Dr. Eller said the fluid looked nice and cloudy - which means there was plenty of stuff in there to get a reading. A good sign.

I'll post later with results. Thanks everyone for your prayers and positive thoughts. We are excited!!!!

Today was a good day.

I went to group again and this time did NOT break down in front of everyone. But instead had good things to share. I told everyone about the amnio tomorrow morning and the possible delivery on Saturday. They all cheered for me! I also told the group about the two very positive dreams I had of Bimp. The chaplin mouthed the words THANK YOU to me after sharing. It seems every little bit of happy news and hope helps on this floor. I was happy to be able to give something today.

Some interesting news. I have a nurse tonight that recognized me from a month ago. "Ahhh, yes. You were the one who we couldn't discharge because your heart rate was up so high - like you were really anxious and upset about something." I told her that was the night I had Nurse Marva. And she said, "Ah yes. Marva can do that to people." So I'm not crazy.

Did I tell you that Doug's seen her twice and nodded a polite hello - she refuses to make eye contact with him. We're not sure if she's been instructed to do so, or if she's nervous or mad or what. Anyway. I think she knows we've got a nerf dart with her name on it in our room. He he.

I finished another hat for the Bimpster. This one reminds me of the little looney tunes martian guy who pointed his little lazer gun at Buggs Bunny. "You have made me verrry angry." I love the little helmet flaps.

I also got a pedicure today and actually managed not to squirm. I'm super ticklish, so it's a treat when I can relax enough and let someone massage my feet to the point of comfort. I think your prayers are working people.

Oh - and just so you guys know and don't worry about me: Yes, I've had a bowel movement today.

~:A L M O S T • T H E R E:~I drew these little pictures of Bimp this morning from a couple of ultrasounds we had done of him when we first arrived here at Northside.

It has officially been a month since arriving.

And since then, I've had two things wear out:
1) My ID arm band (the adhesive actually wore OFF)
2) My signature. Seems the papers they had me sign upon being admitted expire after a month. So I spent a little time this morning adding my initials to all my signatures and re-dating everything. Kinda depressing.

Remember nurse Shawna who was obsessed with my turds? Well, we finally got to her. She was my night nurse THREE times in a row. The second night and after your stellar suggestion, Sarah, of describing my turds in detail, I think Doug and I won. Er, at least I stopped being embarrassed by the question. Probably a little of both.

Sure enough, Shawna walks in to say hi and asks the all the same questions in the exact same order, then pauses after a deep breath and asks if I've had a bowel movement today. This time I smiled instead of frowned.

"Actually, Shawna. I'm kind of a rock star in that department. I've been taking extra fiber since becoming pregnant for every good reason you can think of."

Then Doug chimes in, "Yeah, she's shitting book ends these days, let me TELL you!" And he went on to explain what a good pooper I've been. "Up to two pound turds, even!!" And I just smiled at him and she smiled at us and it was actually quite funny.

I have learned an important lesson here. When in doubt, TALK IN GREAT DETAIL ABOUT YOUR POOP. That always eases any tension in the room and the nurses seem to LOVE it. They even seem to stop asking personal questions.

Shawna turned away then, from our discussion of poop to pictures of Bjorn on the wall. We ended up talking about her puppy, BjornMouse, the picture of me baking the cake, the little hat and sweater I was knitting Bimp, how much she liked the way I dressed and all things not related to my poop. So it was actually a nice evening.

And then I took my Ambien and did some other stuff I have no memory of.

~:G E T T I N G • T H E R E:~

Last night's dream...
Doug and I were traveling in the city and we had to swim through floods and roadblocks to get where we wanted.

We stopped and hung out at an antique shop that was temporarily closed because of heavy rains and flooding. I was looking around in the store as the lights were dimmed and I recognized some pots and cute containers that I had sold to the shop months ago. I had started little plants in them from cuttings and sold these immature plants in teeny tiny darling little vintage containers to the shop owner. They had remained on the shelves all this time and had grown into beautiful, mature plants.

This made me happy and I planned on returning to the store as soon as the flooding was over to buy back the containers that I had sold. The shop owner had kept them all this while and let them thrive. So the idea of paying for something that I had intended to sell and make a profit for, didn't bother me. I'd just paid him to tend to my plants and was grateful no one else had purchased them.

This is interesting because last night a little round vintage salt shaker container that a lacey plant was growing in got knocked off our windowsill by accident. It was sitting on my kitchen sink windowsill at home for a long time and Doug brought it here to stay by my bedside window at the hospital. It broke into many little pieces. We felt terrible about it. The plant is fine, though, and I'll just transplant it into something else cute.

So back to my dream. Doug and Bimp were waiting for me at a restaurant. I had to walk up the back way of the entrance, climbing rocks and big AC equipment, dodging under wires. But I could do it. I was still big around the middle because of the pregnancy, but I had the strength to climb to meet them. And no one was reaching to help because I didn't need any. Doug was standing on top of that hill, holding Bimp in a carrier. And they just smiled and waited patiently for me to get up there.

In both instances, I had to get to my destination either with Doug or by myself. First, while dodging floods and swimming through them. Then by getting there the back way, not at the front entrance. Both circumstances were less than ideal, but I did it and didn't panic.

The prize in the end was glorious.
Doug smiling and holding our baby in a carrier, both waiting for me at the top of a hill, of which I am climbing successfully.

How's THAT for a nice dream ! ? !

Thanks to Steven Uhles, Doug and I have a new outlet for frustration. The Nerf gun. Steven came to visit me the other day, bearing gifts and a very patient ear. He was masterful. Though I am sad I don't have a photo of his visit, I do have these. In with the videos and nerf gun, he brought markers to label each bullet appropriately. I have done so.

But we are running out of bullets. Doug just stormed in with an empty, growling stomach. There's a community fridge in the pantry for us long term patients to use. They give you these little stickers to put on the food you want to store there with your name, date and room number. The storage limit is 72 hours max.

"They took my fucking pizza!!!" Some asshole threw it out after only 24 hours. Probably another loopy night nurse. ARRRG. Poor DougieFresh is dinnerless. He needs a blank dart.

I have a new night nurse - overzealous with rules and and doing things right. Her name is Shawna and her bedside manner is nauseating. "And have we had a bowel movement today?" This is the second night I've had her. You don't know how hard it was for me NOT to respond, "Yes, have YOU?" I almost did. It's the last of all her questions before she puts me on the monitor or leaves the room. I think she saves it to humiliate me.

I need another dart.

So tell me, kind readers. Other than drawing nurse Shawna a picture of my lovely turds, how ELSE could I rub it in, um, so to speak? Any suggestions?

~:3 5 W E E K S & 4 D A Y S:~

I'll explain my latest post in a minute. First, let me tell you how dark it's been here.
Like you guys don't already know that. Up and down up and down. I have never felt so unstable. So unpredictable. So wretched and unlovable. I wept so hard at group yesterday, that I was afraid of going into labor. Everyone was so sweet. No one pitied me or tried to change what was happening. They just encouraged me to cry more. I feel as if the ugliest side of myself has surfaced and I am amazed that people still want to be with me. I have never been here before. My one hope, other than of going home with my baby as a prize, is that I know that there will be some grand kind of growth in store for me. A person can't go through something as intense as this without growth. It just isn't logical to think that I won't be a better person for having endured this. Ya know? Every time I've hung in there and done something hard, an epiphany shows up soon after. And I'm not talking about Ambien. I'm talking about real spiritual experiences that change your life. Guess I'm talking about God.

I have considered that maybe that epiphany will show up in the OR as they reach for Bimp and pull him out of me. Or maybe that comes with the territory of simply being a parent, and especially since I've wanted to be one for so long.

Today I am able to cry more and ask for help. Doug stayed with me longer this morning for another ultrasound (see picture above) and then took me outside next to the fountain out front. It is a beautiful day. Cooler in the shade as the sun shines brightly. I missed the sun. I missed just plain wanting to go outside. That is how ridiculous bed rest and depression is. It robs you of yourself. Your life. Your natural desire for improvement, for peace and the energy needed to just to REACH for sunlight. Is that not INSANE? It sounds insane to me as I type it. It sounds like someone else. Someone else's life. Someone I do not wish to be.

I've interviewed 2 doctors here so far about the "passion" thing. The effect was somewhat soothing for me, but not as much as I had hoped. I still felt out of control and disconnected from any kind of power or ability to sooth myself. Not that people's stories were not interesting. It's just that the joy of listening and absorbing someone's story other than my own runs parallel with my own pain. I experience them together and one doesn't negate the other. Same old story. I want a band aid and there is none. I am simply stuck here and am forced to go through the stuckness.

But something has helped today. I hope it lasts and I hope I feel the same way tomorrow and the next. We got a visit from one of the maternal fetal specialists this morning who has helped us form a plan for Bimp's arrival. A real PLAN. And I'm beginning to think that the long 3 and a half weeks so far of "we don't know and we'll have to wait and see" has been a major contributor to my depression. It makes sense that it would.

So here's the plan:

Next Friday the 22nd, anywhere from 7:30 - 9:00 in the morning, they will do an amnio right here in my room. Dr. Eller will do it and Doug will be here to hold my hand. And I promise not to look. And I think it will be OK, though this IS one of the medical procedures that I am afraid of. I have had countless women tell me it was no big deal, that the fear was larger than the real event and that there is no pain, just a bit of pressure.

Later that night they will call with the results. If Bimp's lungs have developed enough for him to breathe on his own once born, then they will move to step two, which is the planned c-section the very next day on Saturday the 23rd at 9:30 in the morning by Dr. Carrol. If the lungs are NOT developed enough, then they give Bimp another week to mature and plan the c-section the following week.

So by the end of this month, Bimp will definitely be here. And we've got a real birth date planned here, which makes me feel far more at ease. Of course, all bets are off if I don't remain stable. If I had another major bleed or went into labor, they'd do an emergency c-section and have Bimp out in less than 5 minutes. Amazing. They'd put me out while on the way to the OR in the fucking hallway and cut Bimp out (once inSIDE the OR) before he got any of the general anesthesia. This is pretty amazing stuff.

One of Doug's coworkers said to him this morning, "this could be your last weekend of not being parents! " which is quite a neat thought. We hope to celebrate this weekend and I hope I don't get too nervous as the dates draw nearer.

Pray that I remain stable and that some larger, more mature side of myself takes over no matter what kind of procedures we end up doing to get Bimp here. I want peace and calm and hopefulness.

Back to the explanation of the last dreamy post. I had a dream the other night:
Doug bought a horse. The stable was in our bedroom closet. I was amazed at how he managed to get a horse to fit in our house. This was a big beautiful shiny brown horse. It was magnificent.

"Let's go for a ride" says Doug.

"OK" I reply.

And we get on the horse together and ride down the street of our neighborhood in Dunwoody. I can't remember if it was me or Doug leading, but we were hugging closely and it was amazing. Then the horse transitions from trotting to galloping, then jumping. I'm uneasy until I get the hang of it and realize I'm not gonna fall when we take the big jumps. Up and down, up and down, up and down, each time up is higher and higher.

Just as I'm getting the hang of it, both Doug and the horse disappear and it's just me flying in mid air, up and down, up and down, higher and higher up. I fear for my safety again, believing I can't possibly keep this up, going higher and higher without falling and crashing. But I gain confidence and get the hang of it.

Then I have this really smooth stand-up landing and land on my feet. This woman approaches - a brainless Dunwoody housewife with puffy hair and highlights, long salon nails and some stupid outfit on. She offers me a really tacky trinket, and I decline.

"I can't really use this gift, but thank you."

She is miffed, "Hrrrmmmph" and walks away.

I approach her with an alternative idea of selling the trinket on ebay instead of giving it to me.

"That way you'll make a little money on the side and will make some ebay buyer really happy."

She shrugs her shoulders and continues to ignore me. She walks to another group of women who look just like her and they all turn to scowl at me. For some reason, I'm not upset by suddenly doing the unpopular thing or offending her. I am able to say no and let her have her petty feelings.

And then the most amazing part of my dream comes:

I'm laying in my hospital bed. I'm sleeping. And I open my eyes and see my little boy's hands grasping the edge of the mattress. I can't see his face or body, but he is tall enough to stand up and hang on to the same thing that's supporting me. He walks his way around the mattress on three sides, inching his little fingers from side to side. All I see are his chubby little fingers and all I hear is his laughing and giggling. He's just so happy to be here and doesn't give a flip about being in this stinky room. He's just happy to be here to play with me. Once he makes it to the other side of my bed, he reaches one hand up and lays it on mine.

It was amazing. And I had forgotten for a little while why I'm here. Not just for me, but for the birth of this person. My little Bimp. It seems so obvious. But after a while you just start to feel like an anonymous pregnant patient who is high risk.

So that's my dream. I think it speaks volumes. When I told it to the psychologist, she actually sighed with relief. I am not as low as I could possibly be and recognize the promise of the very, very near future. Of course, when you're feeling your lowest, even a dream like this can't fix it for you. I think, though, that it was designed to be put in place alongside all the emotions and truths I'm juggling. My experience is just this much broader and more dimensional.

Bimp is almost here and I have almost made it.