Thursday, November 30, 2006

Anton is dressed here in a "Pee Pee TeePee" - a baby gift from my friend Rita. These little thingies work like a charm - preventing the mark of Zoro on my shirt and face during the dangerous work of diaper changes. For a split second there I was thinking, "Too bad they only come in blue for boys - they'd be really cute in pink" And then the thought hit me that girls are made differently. I have placenta brain and can't think any more.

Some good news other than Anton, is that I've had two days in a row now without a bad headache. I also took a walk on Monday and felt grounded for the first time, like I wasn't going to float away and faint. I'm getting my strength back in my core - like I can stand on my feet and stretch my muslces and get out of breath and have it feel good. I just want to feel normal, you know?

Sat at my desk for the first time in months yesterday, printed out a calendar and started writing things down. It's a bit overwhelming to look at your life again and wonder how you're going to juggle the old and new. Hmmmph.

Bjorn pooped in four places and peed in two in Anton's room today. I am going to kill him. Grrrrrr.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

We celebrated Anton's first Holiday this weekend starting with Thanksgiving Dinner in Atlanta and the rest of the weekend in Clayton. Above is a beautiful picture of Gloria and Mia holding Anton. They all got to meet for the first time.

Packing a car with a new baby is very tricky. We brought Bjorn, too, which only added to our load. Life's wonderfully complicated, though. The drive up was very happy. Doug and I used to make this trip wishing we had a baby in the back seat. This year our wish came true.

Introducing Anton to my brother Peter was a real thrill. Another dream come true. I am still battling headaches. I wish they would go away. I think the constant looking down and handling the baby is hard on my neck and shoulders. Being an older mother I'm sure makes it harder, too. I so want to feel normal. When I don't have a headache, it's so liberating. THIS is what I'm supposed to feel like! It's what normal should be.
I'll continue to be patient.

We took more pictures of the weekend. Check them out!

Thanksgiving in Atlanta

Thanksgiving in Clayton

Oh, and I miss you all. I miss being able to blog, having the energy to float around and visit other blogs. I miss knitting every day. I miss sleep. I miss feeling well. But when you see the pictures we're taking of Anton, you'll see the logic of why our race thrives. There's no denying him. His job is to sleep and eat and thrive. And mine is to make sure he does.

Love to you all,


Sunday, November 05, 2006

~: S I X • W E E K S • O L D:~

Good morning Friends of Anton,

Things are going well here at the Elser house. I have been recovering very well and finally feel like myself again. Here's why:

1. Headaches are getting better. In addition to meds from the neurologist, I am seeing my chiropractor again, who suspected a pinched nerve might be part of my head pain. He was correct and I've got my life back again.

2. I can take walks again. And am strong enough to push Anton's carriage. This is very freeing, feeling the cool fall breeze and pushing my baby while he sleeps.

3. I can drive again. I'm off the meds that make me too sleepy to drive. So now I've got my independence back and can go out whenever I wish, as long as someone can watch Anton.

4. I can carry Anton in his carrier. I'm strong enough to lift him in and out of the car without doing damage to my surgery site or my neck and shoulders. This means we can go out TOGETHER whenever we wish! Even more independence.

5. Anton can sleep a 6 hour stretch at night! So we often get enough sleep at night, which is wonderful feeling.

6. Bjorn is back home! And is a different dog, after having lived with the pack for over a month. He follows directions much better now, is not a fussy eater any longer and is respectful of Anton and "shows" Anton to newcomers who enter the house. He's eager and well adjusted and not a bit jealous. God bless Vida Ellis, who kept him safe and entertained while I was so sick.

7. I went to church last Sunday and received prayer for my continued healing. The person praying with me got the sense that I had attached shame to my difficulties with the pregnancy, birth and postpartum period. She was right. So we prayed about that specifically. There's a part of me that thinks brought this experience on myself and that I deserved the pain and difficulty. As if! I am so mean to myself. Right after prayer, I had an opportunity to reject the shame in response to a mildly shaming remark made by someone who came to see Anton. Though it might have been well intended, this person attempted to minimize my discomfort by explaining that it was my duty as a woman to suffer through the pregnancy and that my experience was no more or less painful than any other woman's. "Oh, no" I said. "This was no normal pregnancy or birth. I had three rare pregnancy complications, two of which were life-threatening and one of which could have been prevented, were it not for the neglect of the nurse the day I had the seizure." So I was able to defend myself without returning the favor of shame. Way to go Anne!

I can't imagine how much stronger I will feel once I begin working again. Being able to balance Anton with my previous life before pregnancy will feel wonderful, I am sure. I want all my worlds to meet.

I love having Mom and Dad so close. It's like Christmas every day, having them here to play with and love Anton. Giving your parents a grandchild is the best way to say thank you for al the years of love and sacrifice they gave to you. I am so in love and man, oh man. do I understand my mother more now. More than ever before. Being a mother myself, even at this early stage, has done a lot to broaden my understanding of her perspective. The bond between mother and child is based on emotion purely. Without the emotion, the physical link doesn't work. Breast milk comes only when you think about and love your baby. Milk production is powered by your need for your baby and his for you. It's an amazing process. And I am humbled by it.

I have new pictures for you all to see here: Anton: Week 6

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.