Monday, September 18, 2006

Thanks to Steven Uhles, Doug and I have a new outlet for frustration. The Nerf gun. Steven came to visit me the other day, bearing gifts and a very patient ear. He was masterful. Though I am sad I don't have a photo of his visit, I do have these. In with the videos and nerf gun, he brought markers to label each bullet appropriately. I have done so.

But we are running out of bullets. Doug just stormed in with an empty, growling stomach. There's a community fridge in the pantry for us long term patients to use. They give you these little stickers to put on the food you want to store there with your name, date and room number. The storage limit is 72 hours max.

"They took my fucking pizza!!!" Some asshole threw it out after only 24 hours. Probably another loopy night nurse. ARRRG. Poor DougieFresh is dinnerless. He needs a blank dart.

I have a new night nurse - overzealous with rules and and doing things right. Her name is Shawna and her bedside manner is nauseating. "And have we had a bowel movement today?" This is the second night I've had her. You don't know how hard it was for me NOT to respond, "Yes, have YOU?" I almost did. It's the last of all her questions before she puts me on the monitor or leaves the room. I think she saves it to humiliate me.

I need another dart.

So tell me, kind readers. Other than drawing nurse Shawna a picture of my lovely turds, how ELSE could I rub it in, um, so to speak? Any suggestions?


Doug Elser said...

i draw the line at the pizza. everything else i can handle. but mess with a man's pizza? that shit ain't right. i've killed people for less than that.

i put a big sign on the front of the freezer with this simple equation on it, which i fear may be lost on its target audience:

24 < 72

Anne Elser said...

Yes, but you haven't answered my turd question.

minus five said...

you could just describe your poop in great detail. and then request corn for your next meal so that you can have variety in your next movement.

then ask her what hers looks like.

i would talk about my poop for hours on end. in ways that would make her never want to ask me about it again.

or you could poop into a ziploc bag and then when she asks if you've pooped, you could pull the bag out and tell her it was so cool that you decided to save it.

Mary Campbell said...

Find out her e-mail address and send her some e-poop. do this more often than I care to's fun. :-)

Nancy said...

save the rye bread from your next snack....and a little corn if you've got it. you might even include a filter tip.

Anne Elser said...


when you get to town this weekend, you might indeed get to meet these lovely nurses. Come visit and bring a loaf of pumpernickle bread with you and a can of corn. I'll post the recipe soon for others to enjoy! ans when you put your poop in the bag, make sure it;s still warm so that the bag steams up.

I'm also trying mary's sugestion.

maryk said...

remember "making" these?!?! Well... of course you do.

or this one:
i think this one really proves how bad hospital food is.

would freak her right on out. (replace pencil with syringe??)

Anne Elser said...

Mary C.-Smelly poop is a lovely site. I can't believe I've missed this one!

Mary K - Oh yeah. I remember. We did it in an afternoon and laid them all out on cookie sheets. One was a nervous secretary who swallowed a lot of office supplies. Another was an allergy sufferer whose turd got rolled in cat hair. I think we about wet our pants laughing so hard. What a sweet memory. :-)

Harpy said...

What makes these devil darts even better is that they kind of look like penes? Does the fact that I noticed that make me a perv? (please say no)

Anne Elser said...

Yer not a perv, A. I thought the same thing AND that they looked like orange tampons.

I got your card yesterday - THANK you!

Michelle Rollins said...

I almost peed my pants. you guys are too funny. A guy here at work is expecting twin boys. my prayer are with you can't wait to meet the bimp.