Promise and Price:

More contractions last night. They're keeping me for another 24 hours. Shoot me now because I so want to be left alone and am sick of this hospital - tired of being a patient. Tired of being asked to be patient. Had a troublesome nurse last night that I wanted to strangle. We had her replaced with someone who actually spoke english. Isn't that nice? A nurse who speaks english.

I am learning how to be pushy. Good practice for motherhood, I think.

I am anxious. If one more person tries to comfort me once more with the promise of all being well soon - that I'm doing all this for my baby, that it'll all be worth it and to not worry because of the promising future, I will scream. The promise and the price of achieving my goal are 2 completely different simultaneous experiences. One does not negate the feeling of the other, or relieve the pain.

I feel trapped and I trust no one.

Say a prayer for me? I'll keep you posted.

~:C H I L L I N G • A T • N O R T H S I D E:~

Dear All,

Doug, Bimp and I have had quite a few dramatic days of late. Everything's fine now, but we had quite a scare. Doug drove me to Northside Hospital again in the early hours of Tuesday morning after that wonderful thunderstorm we all feel asleep to. I am fine now.

Once we arrived, they hooked me up to hear Bimp's heart rate, which was fine. I however, was having mild contractions, which are normal this late in the 3rd trimester, but due to my condition, they decided to stop them. So they gave me an injection of something to make them stop. Doug called this drug, "NoContracto". I was then given an IV for fluids for all the blood I had lost. Ooftah. It was really scary. I've had IV's before, given blood, taken allergy shots for years, but nothing prepared me for this IV. This late in my pregnancy, there is 50% more blood in my body to keep me AND Bimp going at once. So when she pricked me to find a vein, I looked down (stupid idea) and then had a vision of that scene from Carrie where she's soaked in pig's blood at the prom in her pretty silk dress. I freaked. Almost fainted, then threw up and then immediately felt better. The nurse I had was very sweet, but why, in God's name did she put a fucking IV at my WRIST on my RIGHT hand? I haven't been able to knit or write or type or anything. So they removed this for me this morning. Thank god, I can make stuff again. I kept whining to the nurses, "Is this really necessary? I can't KNIT, TYPE or finish my sudukos." And in the back of my head I'm thinking, "shut UP Anne. Your baby's fine and you are, too so just be grateful and deal."

They will continue to monitor Bimp and me throughout the day, this evening and part of tomorrow, during which they will let me go home again if things continue to go well. This is good news. If, however, I have any more problems, they'll put me right back here and this time it will be to stay until my pregnancy ends.

So many people have assured me of the fact that placenta previa cases are so unpredictable. Yes, the best thing I can do is sit still, but that's still not a guarantee that I'll not have further complications, even if I do all the right things. The uterus needs to stretch and grow as they baby does. How and when it does that really isn't up to me. But the fact that my placenta is so low-lying makes the stretching and growing a dangerous, iffy thing.

By the way, for those of you students who are reading this, be glad that once I described my in-home teaching situation on bed rest to my Doctor, his face lit up at the mere idea of it. He has for a long time doubted the efficacy of strict bed rest for high risk pregnancies. I am still able to be productive, which relaxes me and knowing I can make even a small contribution gives me more peace than you can imagine.

So I sit here today, after having taken a nice shower this morning and brightened up my face for the day, I am feeling very close to Bimp and the reality that he is really coming. One nurse described the OR situation during a c-section and she said it takes only about 45 minutes and that if all is well, I'll get to see my little boy right away. After I turned a little pale at the description of the prep for surgery and the surgery itself, once she told me Doug will get to hold Bimp and walk him right over to me and hold him close to my face, all the fear I had in that moment melted away and I was fine. Picturing my husband as a parent is the warmest thought I can imagine right now. Giving him that moment and many more like it just seems so incredibly satisfying - there are no words.

Right now, Bimp is curled up inside my body, listening to the encouraging whispers of all our parents and siblings who have passed on - who we cannot see any longer. Bimp is separated from my world of air and trees and things to do and rules to follow, by less than an inch of tissue. Just enough to see the sun shining through. Just enough to know that there are others who will let him go when it is time. He will be handed from from community of love to another.

Even in my most fearful panic on that stormy Tuesday morning as I stood paralyzed in our darkened bedroom, one arm on either side of the bedroom door frame, I clutched my Bimp. I may not be able to control my body, but I can my heart and I can my mind. In a moment of utter peace and clarity, I breathed deeply and told him we were going to be fine. And I knew it. I still do.

~:3 2 • W E E K S:~

So I am feeling pretty proud of myself, having reached 32 weeks. I can't really take much credit though, for carrying Bimp safley thus far - it is through of the generosity of friends and family that Bimp and I are safe. The Dykes and the gang (Jeff & Bonnie, Mom & Dad, Jim & Anita, Catherine & Bob, Gray & Jean) threw us a lovely shower last night and we're all still reeling from it. Thank you to everyone who helped pull this together and who came to celebrate with us. We love you all and are grateful for your friendship.

Doug and I sat in the nursey for most of the day, sorting through Bimp's new baby booty (as Doug calls it) putting things in drawers, talking about how much fun last night was. Bonnie's the master of all things entertaining - we were lavishly fed and her sangria kept everyone cool and comfortable. I was able to enjoy a bit of it, too. Oh, what a luxury that was. Better than the Ambien!

Take a look at the fun pictures we took at the shower. And thank you again to everyone there.

Much love,

~ Doug, Anne and Bimp

~:P I T • P A R T Y:~

Yep! Minus Five Enterprises came to town for a visit and on her way out, stopped by to meet Bimpie and me, escorted by the lovely Tania. Kinda cool to have been in the same room with these 2 troublemakers after bravely attacking the blogosphere for so many months together. They even got to see the BjornMouse in recovery, who was happy to greet them, although not looking his prettiest.

Minus came bearing a most generous assortment of fun gifts for Bimp and me. Thank you THANk you! Shoes from that fab NY store, infant wear and some badly needed product. Oh, I cannot wait to try everything!

Doug took several flattering pictures of the three of us to choose from - this was by far the favorite pose - chosen in honor of Mary. :-)

Here we have a lovely picture of Bjorn and one of the TWELVE (I had the count wrong yesterday), not six bladder stones. This was the largest one they removed. We brought him home today after having lunch with Mom and Dad. Our morning was spent at the OBGYN for another ultrasound. The darn previa is still there. I'll blog (complain) about that later this weekend.

It's been medical week here at the Elser household. Poor Bjorn's been put through the wringer. So has our bank account. I don't even want to tell you how much money we've spent on this little monkey since we first got him. We've got to keep him still (no stairs, no jumping on furniture) for the next 10 days until his staples come out. He's not very happy right now, but is glad to be home, rather than at the vet.

His recovery makes my own bedrest more complicated. He can't use his little doggie door anymore. You should see his belly - all red and shaved and stapled up. It's scary looking. They shaved his arms, too. Looks like he's wearing socks now, which is kinda cute. So I am now reliant on someone coming over to let him out to pee. This means our poor neighbor Tom will be summoned every few hours. So I am once again more dependent. Anything for the Bimpster, though. I just hate asking.

If you're interested in a few more pictures of the Mouse in recovery, go here.

~:S U R G E R Y • F O R • B J O R N:~ Little Bjorn just got out of bladder surgery this afternoon. Poor little guy had 8 bladder stones removed! One really big one and the rest were smaller. I feel so badly for him. But the surgery went off well without any complications. He's fine now and will rest there for the night. We'll go pick him up tomorrow with instructions for a new diet. Apparently, bladder stones can be more common in small breeds. He should be feeling much better pretty soon, though, which relieves me.

All this time we were thinking he was peeing more often and in strange places to show off, to mark his territory or to just be naughty. Last night Doug noticed his urine was darker and I saw him crying at the the door we made him to let himself out. Poor baby! It must have really hurt to pee. A warning to all you pet owners out there - if your pet does anything different, even if you think it's just behavioral, consider that there may be a medical explanation out there.

One funny thing I should tell you is that before they wheeled him into surgery, he was laying there on the cot with the little blue paper hat on and little Totes footies on all 4 paws, looked up at me and the nurse and then asked if while they were down there, could they give him an enlarged peenie. Oh, we all laughed. That Bjorn. Always joking.

A shout out to da BjornMouse - we love you and are tinkin' about you!

~Anne

~:Y U M M Y • C H O C O L A T E • G O O D N E S S:~

Some of what I've been busily up to these past few days. White ink on yummy chocolate envelopes for a friend's wedding. Mmmmmnnn. I'll post the invites after they're mailed. They are equally delicious, I might add.

~:T H I R T Y • O N E • W E E K S:~

This was taken after we had breakfast. Think I ate too much maybe? Bimp loved every bite and kicked to tell me so, the little taster.

So I am fine. Sorry to have worried a few of you after not blogging for a number of days. I had just had enough of everything this week and really took it easy. The computer can be depressing after a while - as can tv, my couch, clutter, dust bunnies, Bjorn bunnies, bjorn turds... stacks of books, paper, ink nibs. Oh, I could go on and on about all the little things I want to straighten up and can't. Patience, Anne. Patience.

But things are fine. So far this weeks gone by without any hitches - that means no alarming calls to the doctor's office. Maybe I was just walking on eggshells, I dunno. We are all fine.

Took our first childbirthing class together last Monday. Had a god time. I was the only previa case there. Hmmph. But our teacher said that around week 3 of the class, many of the previa cases she has have been cleared up by then. So we'll see! We'll go to the specialists next week on Friday for another ultrasound. THIS time we're bringing a VCR tape and will have it transferred digitally so you guys can see the Bimpster moving! Kewell!

I had my first intense experience with Braxton Hicks contractions the other night - a good time to practice breathing. Whoa - they were painful. But went away after an hour when I went to bed.  Felt like really bad cramps and this incredibly tight feeling all across my tummy. Breathe, breathe, breathe, Anne. They say these are designed to give your uterus a practice go for the real thing. They can vary in intensity. If you've been more active or have not had enough water for the day - that can trigger one. So I've been drinking like a fish ever since.

Mom took me to have lunch with my grandmother Nonie on Friday. Being wheeled into an assisted living center was a bit strange. There's my 80-year-0ld grandmother zipping around with her walker busily chatting with her friends and here I am, a 38-year-old lame duck in a fucking wheelchair. Very ironic.

Afterwards, Mom took me to look at silver porringers, baby cups and spoons. I fell apart and broke into tears when I saw them. Really fun to choose patterns and to picture feeding applesauce to Bimp. I think that's what made me cry.

Something I've learned about fear: that it can hinder the progress of your labor. I think that's true in any situation. Fear is designed to bring you to a crossroads. It forces you to make a choice, which is a good thing. My mother told me she became the pain - she rode the pain of labor. When you tighten up and fight it - it hurts more. So I will try to remember that.

I've been working on other knitting and needlework projects this week, so will post some other photos of my progress for you to see soon.

XO,

~Anne

~:W E E K • T H I R T Y:~

So we are at week 30 now. Another milestone. Yay! Tomorrow night we begin the wonders of child birth classes. I will be escorted by Doug and 2 firm pillows to class tomorrow, during which we'll get to meet other soon-to-be mothers and fathers. I'm REALLY looking forward to it.

I can feel bimp move even more now. The larger he gets, the stronger his movements. During our last visit on Thursday, the midwife showed me how to tell where he was positioned. Most of the large movements are happening on the lower right side of my belly - it's wonderfully creepy. I can nudge him gently now and get him to nudge me right back.


I spent a little bit of the day yesterday downloading lyrics of some very old and beautiful Scottish folk songs I fell in love with a long time ago. Anyone heard of the King's Singers? They've been around forever. One tune has been a favorite of mine for a long time - the Skye Boat Song, witten in 1884. Check out a snippet of the Skye Boat Song on this page. I never understood the historical background of the lyrics until yesterday.

Charles Edward Stewart, the Young Pretender (Bonnie Prince Charlie), lost a battle on Culloden Moor in 1745, trying to claim his right to the English throne. He managed to escape to the Island of Skye with the help of a Jacobite heroine named Flora MacDonald. He was exiled in Rome, where he died. So he never did manage to get back, in fact he died a miserable drunk. Oh well. I shant sing that part to Bimp.

Skye Boat Song
(Sir Harold Boulton, 1884)

Speed bonnie boat, like a bird on the wing,
Onward, the sailors cry
Carry the lad that's born to be king
Over the sea to skye

Loud the winds howl, loud the waves roar,
Thunder clouds rend the air;
Baffled our foe's stand by the shore
Follow they will not dare

chorus

Though the waves leap, soft shall ye sleep
Ocean's a royal bed
Rocked in the deep, Flora will keep
Watch by your weary head

chorus

Many's the lad fought on that day
Well the claymore could wield
When the night came, silently lay
Dead on Culloden's field

chorus

Burned are our homes, exile and death
Scatter the loyal men
Yet, e'er the sword cool in the sheath,
Charlie will come again.

Speed bonnie boat, like a bird on the wing,
Onward, the sailors cry
Carry the lad that's born to be king
Over the sea to skye
Over the sea to skye
Over the sea to skye

This is the only tune I've been humming to him so far. Anyway - interesting that most of the songs I love, are already considered lullabies. Now that I've got the lyrics, I've got some memorizing to do.

godhelpme i am so fuckingbored right now

oh godhelpme

~:S U M M E R • Q U A R T E R • E M O T I V E • T Y P E:~

This first quarter group is doing very well and we are all enjoying ourselves out here in Dunwoody. I've taken more photos of their progress and experiments here.

Also made a little movie of ink in action as they warmed up to the Dirty Word Book assignment. I did not have to do any coaxing to get them into this idea. Everyone jumped right in. Check out da little film here.

Cheers!

Peter sent me this little movie today. I had forgotten about it. He made it for Doug and me as part of an invite for a couples wedding shower back in 2002 he and Mary threw for us. Peter wrote and performed the song and um, searched for the photos. We found most of them under Mom and Dad's bed, actually. And today I'm sharing it with you. All comments and questions welcomed. It was a great party, by the way. :-)

~Anne

This one goes out to Mary.

Thanks for the encouragement, chicas.

XOXOXO

~Anne

What Baby Center says about Bimp at 28 weeks: By this week, your baby weighs a little over 2 pounds and measures about 14.8 inches from the top of his head to his heels. He can open his eyes — which now sport lashes — and he'll turn his head toward a continuous, bright light from the outside. His fat layers are beginning to form, too, as he gets ready for life outside the womb. If you are a new mother over 35 and on bed rest, try putting a hibiscus bloom in your hair to visually distract from the fact that you now weigh a startling one hundred and fifty freaking pounds.

~:T A S T E • M E:~

Dear Bimp Fans,

Went to the Dr. this morning for a check up ultrasound and got back these wonderful photos. I am feeling more at ease. Bimp has turned into the correct birthing position, though he's likely to move around and shift positions again as he's not as cramped as he will be in 3 months. His head is down and feet up. This photo is of his beautiful face. Little monkey was looking right at us. I can't tell if he's got a Doug or Anne face. Probably his mouth is from my side of the family - but does he have the Elser nose or jaw line - chin? Mom? Auntie Becky? Can you guys tell?

Next time we go back in 3 weeks to see if the placenta has moved. It still has not as of today. In fact, upon closer inspection, it appears to be a full placenta previa. That's not good. Things are still uncertain as to whether or not it will resolve. The closer we get to 37 weeks, the more we'll know about whether we'll have a c-section or not. We still have to be patient. Arrrg.

They congratulated me on making it to 28 weeks with no overly alarming symptoms. So my activity level is good. I have all my fine students to thank for that - as well as family and friends who have come over to help out. Every little thing you guys do ensures Bimp of a healthier birth and life. It's like every step I do not take on my feet counts as one less percent of a chance for complications. So I thank you all. We both do.

I can't tell you how amazing it was to see his little face. Looking right at me. His mouth moved open, then shut. His little body squirmed. He looked so very cozy up there on the screen. This little chubby boy in my tummy. And he did the cutest thing. He sucked on his arm. NOT his thumb. His arm! We saw his little tongue move, too. Boy, was he happy.

When my baby brother Peter was an infant, Mom used to "taste" his arm to get him to fall asleep. She'd give him little soft horse nibbles on the inside of his arm. Put him right to sleep. "Taste me?" he'd say after a story. Well, his little 2 year old daughter Mia does the same thing now. When she gets tired, she offers the inside of her arm to you. "Taste me!" She's a little more forceful about it. Cutest thing.

So you can't imagine what fun it was to drive home from the appt. and call Mom to tell her Bimp was tasting himself for us. Little hungry bird sure is half Dusenberry!

I am having a happy, happy day. I got to see Bimp.

~:T H E • S K I N • I'M • I N:~

So I had a really creepy dream last night.

There was this preteen boy who was born without skin. All of his organs and tendons and muscles were showing. It was scary to look at. His Aunt had decided to help him. She gave him the skin on her face. I didn't see him after the transplant surgery, but I saw her. She used to be an attractive woman. But now looked very strange with scars and stitches and transplanted pigskin stretched over her face, neck and head. She was in the mall, shopping. She had no more hair. And I remember admiring her for such a sacrifice. To live the rest of your life out looking like a burn victim, just so your nephew could feel a little more comfortable, was remarkable. She was out shopping for scarves and hats and wigs. She was happy to do it. The way she looked didn't seem to phase her. It was her maternal instincts that kicked in to try to help this boy. She saw the bigger picture.

And here I am, worried about how I look. Feeling fat and bloated. My face doesn't look like my own anymore. At least not to me. My hair is too think to style it the way I want to. My thighs are twice the size they used to be. I am thinking I'll never be the same. Envious of people jumping in and out of their cars, zipping around, standing tall, in movement, getting things done.

I am still. I am heavy. My back hurts constantly. I am getting tired of eating the same thing. I am tired of eating. All I can do is sit. And wait. And complain. Rather than bask in the joy of maternal love and sacrifice, I cry because I am afraid of the worst outcome and I complain about what I am giving up and about how badly I feel. I can't do half of what that Aunt in my dream is doing. Or maybe I can and don't know it yet.

Yesterday I felt Sir Bimp hiccup for the first time. And I counted fifty three of them. It was lovely and silly and ridiculously fun. Then he kicked me so hard that my thighs jiggled. Really. Tomorrow we go in for another ultrasound and check up. I get to wear real clothes! And shoes! So we'll see if he's shifted and where to. I can feel larger, more broad movements. Eeek! We have also reached our 28 week goal, which means the first two trimesters are finis. yay! We have made it to the third. Time to celebrate. Sitting down, of course. We'll keep you posted.

~:I N K E D • W I T:~

We had another great day out here in the PC Dunwoody campus. Started out the day with Calligraphy and ended with Promotion Design. Two very sharp groups of students. The morning group arrived with bagels. Thank you! We presented concepts first and then moved on to calligraphy demonstrations and tacking those gorgeous copperplate capitals. Take a look at these close up photos of everyone's work.They're all catching on FIZAST! Dave got extra points for matching his layouts. Larry bonded with Bjorn, who camped out on him for a mid-morning nap.

Mary began forming whole words out of the beautiful letters we're mastering. Interesting choices she made. I've got 2 questions, though. What is a Penis Wagon and who is Richard? Her anonymous commenter, perhaps?

In the afternoon we had a delightful discussion in Promotion Design about apple and technology and all that comes with it - more importantly all that doesn't and should come with it. We bounced around a bunch of killer ideas. On a lighter note, take a closer look at the pink photo collage up top. What's up with Boris's sketchbook cover? {grin}

~Anne

Hey, bed rest isn't so bad! Clizasses today went splendidly well. The first quarter group installed their first Emotive Type word experiments on the wall, followed by presentations of their flip book concepts. Hanging the dirty words in 2 weeks should be fun. Remind me to take those down, tho before inviting my grandmother over for tea. Anyhow, this sharp group catches on FIZAST! Fun to watch. Mick heated up some delicious soup and tossed a salad for my lunch before leaving. Such a nice guy.

Click here for more photos of our fun together.

Then came the 3rd quarter Type is Mass group. Also lotsa fun. We read scripts together before each person presented their concepts. Noah (now recovered from last week's emotional scarring) chose Scent of a Woman and won the prize for the most passionate delivery. He does a mighty convincing Al Pacino. Who knew? Hannah's type collages were beautifully done. She's doing Amelie with a twist of Art Nouveau flavor. That'll be fun. Everyone's delivery was great. So expect some great playbills this quarter. I'm excited!

Tomorrow we have the Calligraphy kids and will be focusing on the upper case letter forms. Then comes the Promotion Design class, who will be putting Apple to shame. Stay tuned.

~:B I M P ' S • C R I B:~

For the past 2 weeks, Mom has been in and out of the house, checking up on me, feeding me, cleaning and blitzing the house, shopping for groceries and buying furniture for the nursery. God bless her. Dad's also been helping her and checking in on me. When she started, we had an empty nursery. But today we don't! After moving a few choice pieces of furniture around, we had the room pretty well set up. It's amazing how quickly things come together. Ummm, especially if you're sitting and just watching it happen. I am very lucky.

One of the cool things we did at first was to purchase a vintage Hoosier Kitchen. This is a piece of furniture called a kitchen, before a kitchen was a room. Just a cabinet with tons of drawers, cubbies and cupboards. There's a flour bin and sifter on the far left, with a tin drawer for storing bread on the right. There is also a handy movable tin shelf you can tuck in or pull out. I've got one in my studio that I make good use of. I grew up with this thing in my bedroom for years. We decided instead of a dresser or changing table, one of these cool pieces would be ideal for changes and baby equipment. Got this piece in Clayton, GA before I was doomed to bed rest. So we built the rest of the room starting with this one piece.

Mom went to an all-things-baby resale shop called Cribitz. That's where she got everything else you see here in this lovely photo. There are more detailed photos for you to see if you'd like to take a look. Pretty cool. She found custom made curtains (the long pieces on either side of the window) that matched perfectly the red toile valance I made years ago. Uncanny. The ochre walls screamed for natural wood and a hint of red accents, which make the room warm and soothing without appearing blanched or dusted with white, which is not what we wanted. Also custom made was the crib bumper and dust ruffle. Beautiful pieces you can't buy at BabiesRUs. Everything you see here was gently used and at a terrificly discounted price. We even got 2 strollers (one for us, one for Mom and Dad - remember that they live less than 2 miles from us and will be watching the Bimp while I teach at the beginning of the week!) and a rocking bassinet for our bedroom.

Woo hoo! We spent the afternoon in this new lovely room just looking around and soaking in the space. I feel a great relief at having this stage completed. Only thing left to do is fill it with toys and clothes and gear, etc. And continue to let Bimp gain weight in my peaceful belly. Oh! One more thing I want to do is to paint a big black beautiful "A" above Bimp's crib. Think I'll ask my auntie Kris to do that one for me, since I'll be sittin' for a while.

Thanks to the generous help of my friend Molly, who has just made it through the first few months of her baby girl Suzanna's life. Molly guided me through the BabiesRUs labyrinth and helped me choose the right gear. I've got 3 registries set up, one of which is full of all the storybooks I loved as a child. Things are starting to become real and very, very fun.