~:C R E A T I V E • S T R O K I N G • W I T H • E M O T I V E • T Y P E:~







These are the talented designers and some of their work in this quarter's Creative Strokes class at PC. We're having a blast with interpreting the Seven Deadly Sins with inky passion. Take a look at some of their work! Hooray for Jessica, John, Keith, Yuri, Witt, Brent, Jared and Van.

~:B A B Y • S P A C E • F O O D:~

Anton is learning how to eat solids from a spoon. I never thought I'd be one of those earthy mothers who makes her own baby food, but once I tried it, I couldn't stop. His pediatrician said it was more "time consuming" than buying preparing baby food jars, but really - it couldn't be easier. I surprised myself at how easy it was.

If you have a pot of water and a hand mixer, that's all you need. For instance, to prepare carrots, simply boil them in water until they're soft and then purée them in a hand mixer or blender. Then pour the mix into an ice cube tray and freeze for later. When he's ready for lunch, pop a cube in the microwave for a few seconds, stir and eat, eat, eat! It's fun!

So far, we're up to yellow fruits and veggies. After 7 months, we'll be adding green to his menu. Here on Anton's plate are: Carrot, squash, banana, apple and pear.

Any questions?

~:B J O R G E:~

I am very, VERY happy today with some terrific news to share with you. ALL of the pets in the Elser household have finally made it on I Heart Casper Dot Com. This site belongs to Casper - Larry Luk's cute little fluffy white dog. I feel as if our pets have finally gotten the credit and exposure they deserve. Life could not be better.

I also learned something about Bjorn, who I THOUGHT was a virgin. Apparently, he and another PC student named George had a fling thing and produced the love child you see here, Bjorge.

Hmmmmmm.

~:J O H N • G I V E N S:~

Way back in 1996, I graduated from PC with a good friend named John Givens. Now a designer in San Francisco, John's coming back to PC to give one of those seminar thingies on April 19th.

John's just completed a documentary called Working Title: a 60 minute film that "explores what it means to be an artist in a society that defines you by what you do for a living."

I'm excited because it's been soooo long since I've seen him. John has a great sense of humor - could make me laugh easily and was kind of a brother to me in grad school. He was honest and entertaining. His work had a heavy authenticity to it that made you think and care. He had a thing for texture, a love for the deeper story, an understanding of abstraction. John's a good man.

When we both graduated, John immediately went to San Fran. I interviewed out there and stayed with him and his girlfriend. They were both very generous. John made me the clock you see here. It's a portrait of me, back in the days I used to smoke - during my 8th quarter I got up to 2 packs a day. No shit. So I've got the smoker's mouth, BUT two lovely tulip petals for eyes.

I had just come back from interviewing with Ann Field in LA. She knew pink tulips were my favorite flower and greeted me with a bouquet of them. I nearly cried. I carried them with me on the plane to San Fran and put them in a vase at John's apartment. John saved two of the tulip petals for my clock and on the back wrote, "To Annie: Always Sweet, Occasionally Innocent."

~:S P R I N G • H A S • S P R U N G:~

This post might explain my brief absence from the blogosphere. Next week I begin teaching again at PC. Behold the 5 new syllabi I've carefully crafted for the Spring quarter. The newest addition is a logos class, about which I'm real excited. I'm reintroducing and oldie, but goodie: The Holy Hand. Type is Mass has returned as well. I've been rubbing my palms together all weekend to prepare.

I learned how to make these little books from Michael Goodman's Bookingmaking class. I'll be taking it again this quarter, too. They're printed on French butcher paper. Lovely colors and a fun, shiny and modeled texture.

In other news, Anton is now 6 months old. This Easter Sunday, he'll be baptized. Very exciting! I am madly trying to finish a knitted cap for him to wear. He is a dream.

ALSO, I've started gardening again. Since we had such a warm gust of Spring weather lately, I've braved the weeds and pollen to plant new annuals and make room for the emerging perennials. This is a good sign, folks. I've just about reclaimed all the energy I used to have and my headaches continue to fade. I just don't think that much about my headaches any more. They are going away.

So our yard looks like it is once again loved. New plants at the mailbox, the windowboxes are full yet again. Things are in bloom. And I am STILL not in the hospital anymore.

Love to everyone,

~Anne

~:W A I T I N G • T O O • L O N G:~

Look what MilkFace did to me before giving him a bath? Funny thing is that the thought of being peed on makes me ill, but when it's your own baby, it just makes me laugh.

Recent Facts:

Anton has TWO teeth.

He's officially 6 months old now.

He can hold a bottle.

He found his toes today.

He reaches for toys now, reaches to touch my face.

My thighs are peppered with bruises from him jumping in my lap.

He wraps his arms around my neck.

I am having the time of my life.

~:W A L L P A P E R • S C H M A L L P A P E R:~

I love color. Besides coffee, it's what I get up for every morning. (Sorry Dougie Fresh.) Colors do wonderful things next to each other. They talk to each other. They say a lot. They DO a lot.

I've been painting walls since I was in college. Though I've got a "thing" for paper (passion) I hate the thought of wallpapering a room. I grew up watching my Mom do that in the house, only to watch her manage the chore of ripping/peeling/melting it down a few years later. It was quite a mess.

When we moved into this house, I painted right over the wallpaper. I'm a fan of pattern and I love the texture of slippery house paint. I've got gallons of it in just about every closet here. My whole house is in a constant stage of being repainted. I just can't get enough of it.

When guests come over and ask where I got my wallpaper, I smile and tell them I hand painted it. Then I pick their jaws up off the floor and hand them back to them. I live for this moment.

My house is one color palette trip after another. Colorful, lush, warm and welcoming. Yes, it's unfinished. Yes, it's not always clean. But it's colorful and cozy and welcomes the guest: "Come, sit with me and tell me who you are."

~:S T A T I O N S • O F • T H E • C R O S S :~
During Lent every year, we Catholic Lights prepare for Easter by picking a Station Of The Cross to paint/sculpt/Design, etc. This year I chose Station 4: Jesus Meets his Afflicted Mother. I chose this one for obvious reasons - the loss of my first pregnancy vs. the fear of losing Anton. I've got a better understanding now of this kind of loss and I think it's interesting that we gather each year to remember how much the stations hurt.

I've decided to post other stations I've done in the past in the order I've done them. The first was done in 1997, shortly after Tommy died: Station 9: Jesus Falls For The Third Time. I was in despair. Grieving and letting it hurt. Nothing could touch my anger. A black cloud of grief followed me wherever I went. I cried in my car every day. I was that glass, full only a third, running on empty.

Then I chose Station 2: Jesus take Up The Cross. He's on his way to Golgotha, the site of the execution - walking outside the gates of Jerusalem on a well-traveled path. A path whose end is highly visible and makes a great advertisement for the power of the law. This exit has no return access.

A year later I tackled Station 14: Thomas Touches Christ's Wounds. He's got to because he doesn't believe his eyes. Christ has resurrected. Thomas has failed the test of faith, lacking the vision to trust that things work out.

Lastly I returned to Station 9: Jesus Falls For The Third Time. A typographic treatment this time. We all know how relentless life's lessons and pitfalls can be. We keep falling and falling and falling and picking ourselves up again. It's life's job to keep challenging us. It's OK to fall.

Many years ago, I asked god while sitting in traffic, "Who are you?" His answer back to me was, "I'm just like YOU." This makes so much sense to me. We can't identify with anything until we compare it to ourselves. We want everything to be a mirror - and in many ways, things really are. The stations retell a story that brings us closer to god. Christ's presence does that very thing - makes god real to us. Makes god one of us.

Wonderful SNL short. Er um, should I say long?

Time to brag a little more. In January, I was invited to participate in the Weddings With Style event created by Paper Dolls Design at King Plow. I had a table up front with paints, ink, envelopes and name tags to be customized for each bride attending. Lots of fun to work in front of an audience - and for such cheery and excited brides-to-be.

Wogah was kind enough to send me a copy of the article about the show. Thank you! I've updated my Calligraphy page with photos of the event. Spread the word, folks. I'm hungry for more calligraphy work!

~Anne

This post goes out to my sweet Dougie Fresh, who has become physically healthy for the first time in his life. (I hope to follow is lead soon). Just over 2 years ago, he lost over 80 pounds and began running regularly. This new lifestyle really has changed our lives together. He's running in races and now is training for his first marathon. On top of that, he's using the event to raise money for fighting cancer. Below is an e-mail from him with details and a link to the donation site.

Cancer has touched so many of us personally and through the people we know and love. My father is currently battling 2 forms of cancer. He's doing well so far, but it's far from easy and has been a lonnnng, long journey. There's cancer on both sides of my family, so this is something I need to watch out for, too. There have been many victories, though - so there's hope.

~Anne


Doug Elser, running a Marathon?? Has the world gone mad?


Those who know me best know that I am given to shameless self-promotion. And that's true. On March 25th, I'll take on the ING Georgia Marathon as I run down the streets of Atlanta with nothing chasing me. But I will have the fight against cancer driving me. And although I didn't have to beat cancer to get to the point where I could run 26.2 miles, I did turn my life around health-wise by losing 80 pounds. What that has given me is a newfound perspective on how delicate our health is. I am so blessed to have the health that I now have.

Others don't have that. We all have stories about those we know that have cancer and have either beaten it or died from it. Brent Lunsford, a good friend from high school, was killed by it before he was much north of 25 years. Janet Elser, my father's sister, couldn't beat it and died in her early 50's.

Others I know have been more fortunate. My father-in-law, Tom Dusenberry, has battled two different cancers in the past year. My best friend, Kari Siegel, beat cancer a couple of years ago. And although it makes me smile to know that they will be around for many more years, it's pretty scary to think about what they have gone through.

The strides in cancer treatment over the past many years have made their successes possible. And money makes that happen. Many of you have expressed to me how impressed you are by the accomplishment I'm about to achieve...so show me the money!

To help me reach my fund-raising goal of $5,000 for the American Cancer Society, please visit my personal page by clicking on the link below...

Help me fight cancer.

Thank you all in advance!

-Doug

~:S A I N T • L O U I S:~

Good day friends and family. We all took a lovely trip to Chicago to visit Cousin Mia, Tio Peter and Tia Gloria. On the way, we spent the night with our Garlock cousins in Saint Louis and took these fun photos of our visit. Anton saw his first snow, we read a beautiful poem written by Robert and was entertained by Michael's magical baby entertaining skills. Dagny was there, too and is so grown up and beautiful. We hope to return soon for a longer visit.

Thank you Saint Louis!

~Doug, Anne and Anton

~:M I T T E N S • F O R • M I A:~
I know this isn't the seatbelt bag, but I'll still boast. Finished a new pair of mittens for my niece Mia who lives in Chicago. We'll go visit them this weekend and I hope to see her sporting them. You like?

Remember my post about seat belt bag envy? Harvey's makes them and I'm a devoted fan. But these bags are expensive. Sooooo... just tonight I came across these instructions on how to make your own bag complete with a couple of links to show you where to purchase your own belts. Would this not be COOL!? Of course I could make my own bag. Of COURSE I could! Weeeeeeeeee!

~:L A T E • T W I C E:~

What happens to naughty boys who are late for Anne's class? They get to wear the funny horn hat while presenting their work to the class. Find out what you get to wear when you're late a second time. :)

I will say, though, that Jimmy is an excellent Portfolio Center student and a very good sport. I got a big kick out of watching him present a book on "rage" while covered in pretty pink flowers. Thanks to Ben and Korelia for the photo and videa.

Mom had an opening Friday night - her first in a long while since I got sick and Dad's battle with cancer. Dad pushed her to do it - to do something for herself. She sent this fab photo of herself (she's in the middle) and her work. I'm posting it to brag and
to encourage her to get back on the painting wagon. She's an amazing person with incredible grace and energy and, in my opinion, the best mother on the planet. Love you mom!

More of her work can be found here.

I am obsessed with this enchanting new Paint By Number Seatbelt bag. I've had this bag in solid hummer green for a few years and it's been a great performer. I feel after working so hard to deliver Anton safely into this world, I deserve this one nice thing.

Don't you?


E-mail my local husband to add your support to this worthy cause.

Oh the agony of eating at Garrison's. What was supposed to be our first relaxing and romantic evening alone as parents turned out to be a laughable nightmare. I warn you now: Never EVER eat at Garrison's Perimeter Mall location. Big mistake. Why, you ask?

First off, our choice in the restaurant was kind of out of our hands. Doug got 2 gift certificates there from a friend at work and since we're really pinching our pennies, we have not been to a nice restaurant in a lonnnng while. So we decided to take this chance on a new place since it was such a great deal.

To begin, my husband was so starving and excited about eating out at a nice place, he reverted to his bachelor days of holding his fork like a shovel. "Can I eat the rest of your salad?" This is one of my biggest pet peeves. "NO, you MAY NOT." Grrrr. Then he knocked over his drink. Our kind waiter replied by offering to sell him another one, which happened to be a flat Newcastle Ale. Cheap, cheap, cheap.

Our appetizer, the "empanadas", tasted as though they had come from the freezer at a grocery store. Except the brand at the grocery store contains more meat. They were served with a tasteless "honey-mustardish sauce" which was billed as a "chipotle sour cream." Hmmmm. This was basically an appetizer of small, deep-fried bread, filled with a little bit of something dark.

I ordered the Low Country Shrimp and Grits billed as "sauteed shrimp, andouille sausage, mixed peppers, corn and tomatoes in red chili cream sauce with Logan Farms grits." What he received was a creamy stew that had no sausage whatsoever and very few grits to be found. He sent it back for the missing sausage. Once it was returned, he experienced the entree as an
overwhelmingly salty cream stew, that swam in onions (which makes him fart like the dickens). The corn and tomatoes that were advertised were either missing or so dissolved in the stew as to be rendered nonexistent.

I ordered the 8oz NY Strip, which tasted like a burnt sponge.
Mmmmm.

At this point, we realized that we had been sitting at the table with empty bread plates for the entire meal. Doug asked our waiter if the restaurant served bread. "Well, we usually bring it out with the salad but we burned the whole batch and had to throw it away. It's usually only on request so we can save money." Niiiiiice.

But here's the best part:
For our entertainment pleasure, we were tortured by what can only be described as the worst lounge singer ever. This guy (stuck in the 70's - a Kenny Rogers look-a-like BEFORE his horrid makover) seemed perfectly nice, but man, oh man was he baaaaaaad. He sat at a perfectly nice baby grand, which would have been fine by itself. Next to him was the synthetic beat machine thingie that I pictured sitting in Napoleon Dynamite's living room. Lordy, was the combination bad. He started out singing Bruce Hornsby's "That's Just The Way It Is" and ended whistling to Percy Sledge's "Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay". I held my fingertips at my temples whispering, "Please shoot me now" to my husband. It was so bad, we were actually entertained.

By this time, we were in no mood to experiment with dessert. We requested the bill. We were shocked and amazed to discover yet another gaffe. Although I requested the 8oz Strip, we were charged for the 12oz version. This added another 15 minutes of waiting to the end of what had not been a pleasant visit, as we waited "for the manager to get off the phone so we can fix the bill."

After it was adjusted correctly, the total bill came to about $75. But we still had to pay out of pocket for the $15.00 tip.

So maybe it was a nice evening after all, because we laughed madly all the way home, which made our reunion with Anton the next night all that much sweeter. Mom and Dad keep him overnight on Tuesdays.

When we got Anton back, we had discovered that Mom taught him to screech and kick his little legs in laughter. Honestly - he changes so quickly. Even after just 2 days of not seeing him, his hair is longer and he's "talking" more.

He's wonderful. Garrison's is NOT wonderful.

And I guess that's the moral of my story.

Here's a completely adorable pic of Anton during bathtime. It's our nightly ritual before bed and is so much fun. Just look at those cheeks. All four of 'em!

Yesterday the two of us went to Northside for a visit and a big thank you to the nursing staff on the HRP floor (my home for the greater parts of August and September). It was a bit weird, being back there again. Disorienting - as it was when I was there. The sensory deprivation is what made me so depressed. No breeze, no laughter, no music. Bad food, bad news, machines, monitors, no color but beige, white and a pale, dingy aqua that looked as if needed a blood transfusion. It was awful. Lots of quiet. Lots of waiting.

Surviving the depression was one of the things that made this visit so sweet and victorious. Everyone recognized me. And I got a LOT of hugs. I GAVE a lot of hugs. I think one of the things I missed while depressed was feeling like I had something to give. I will never take the power to give for granted any more. It was very gratifying to show Anton to everyone. They all knew him - monitored him each night - saw him move beneath my skin and on the screen. But to see him on the other side, so plump and happy - oh, it was grand.

I have thought a lot about the HRP nursing staff during my recovery. I still do. I have dreams about them. In spite of how much I complained about being a patient, for the most part, these nurses were wonderful. It felt so good to be standing on my own 2 feet amongst them. To be an equal and to say thank you with all my heart.

Before I left, I asked one of the nurses if there were any patients who might like a visit from me and Anton - to hear our story. There were two patients I saw. One was on bed rest with her second child, the other was with her husband, who were both waiting for their first. I'm sure I was not entirely helpful and I probably talked too much. I wonder if any of them were just being polite, or if they had not been there long enough to get as depressed as I was. But it felt good to be in those tiny rooms again and to be of some assistance this time. I tried to listen. To give answers and comments that were helpful to them. I can only hope I helped.

I think I'd like to return again. Volunteer or something. Give something back.

My god, it feels good to give again.

W O R L D 'S • T I G H T E S T • P A N T S

When Anton was born, I was convinced that he looked more like Doug than myself. Not that it matters. Back and forth, back and forth, one day I'd claim his eyes as Dusenberry's, then give them back to the Elser's the next. Very confusing. Futile, I know. But still - aren't I in there SOMEWHERE?

So I did a little digging and created a page of photos to prove I really AM his mother and that Doug and I are both in there. A lot of folks have mentioned he looks like an exact combination of the two of us, which pleases me. I think the overall picture of Anton looks immediately like Doug, but when you look in the details, you see me as well. Right now I'm hoping he's got my big square smile. I hope? I hope!

And how is Anton these days? At 4.5 months old, he's now 15 pounds and a sweet, sweet boy. His eyes have discovered his hands, which thrills him. He'll grab at anything you dangle in front of him and thinks his fist tastes fabulous. I can now talk him out of crying, which I think is fabulous. His length is in the 90th percentile - 26 inches. Way to go Anton!

He got his first cold a few days ago - mine came shortly after. Mom has it now. I think Dante should have created an extra special level of hell just for these moments. The peaceful baby you once had, who slept through the night and never threw up on you now wakes up twice a night and tops each feeding off with lovely gut wrenching cough - productive enough to vomit the milk you just fed him. He is fussy, cranky, tired, confused and on top of that, YOU'RE sick yourself. It is an entirely draining drag. But I'm still in love, you see?

Very much enchanted and in love. Entirely consumed. Aching with love. Infatuated. Grateful. He is my miracle. What I've waited for for so long.

I had a very good week at PC. The new God poster concepts were presented. This class is very smart. Sharp. Dedicated and sensitive. Yesterday afternoon a few of us took our turns crying. This is the most emotionally brave group I've ever taught. I walk out of class at the end of the day, entirely drained again, but sooooo jacked up. Like you've had too much coffee from staying up late to finish a job and can finally fall asleep - but you can't from all the adrenaline. This is why I teach. It is the most gratifying career. I'm not exaggerating when I say that during each and every class I teach, there is a moment when I pause to thank God for putting me there.

I've thought a lot about God these days. More than I have in a long time. I suppose after being so helpless during my pregnancy and struggling to heal postpartum has brought me closer to God. When I look at Anton, I know God exists. Just look at him. This new person. He GREW in me. IN ME. And we are linked.

Anton has brought more stress, tension and anxiety into my life. The life I so carefully organized and perfected. Once he arrived, all I knew, I had to relearn. Everything was different. Everything changed. If marriage and having children complicates things so much, why go to the trouble of asking for either or both? I'll tell you why. Because with all that tension, confusion and fear comes 10 times more love. It's hard-wired in us. Make more babies to create more love. Love more to make more babies. It's how our species has thrived.

We humans like to make things happen.

Mom bought Anton his first pair of shoes and we recently slipped them on his perfect pink little feet. I cried instantly. 1 - because he looked so incredibly cute in them and 2 - because shoes are made for walking. "Oh Anton. You're not going to use those shoes to walk away from me are you?" How pathetic a cry is that? I got my first glimpse of mourning each stage a child moves out of to grow into a new one.

Raising Anton will mean slowly saying goodbye to him. I know that sounds so dark - but I've never felt this co-dependant before. I've lost my big brother already. And my husband lost his mother. My father's currently fighting cancer. Mortality has never been so real. Even my own has been considered. Do I risk losing myself again just to give Anton a sibling? I think not.

So this will be my only child. I am just about sure of it. I have to fight so hard, the crazy voice in my head that's convinced I will lose him and then I'll have nothing again. What do I do with that insecurity? It is larger than life. I think it's just my job to be OK with the possible loss and love on Anton anyway. I will not deny him that love out of selfishness or fear. I will raise an optimist. A realist. Someone who sees the value in creating good no matter what.

Someone wants to make things happen.

Good things happen.

Mom and I spent a little bit of time the other day discussing what Anton might wear for his baptism. Using a bit of silk from my wedding gown was considered. So we zipped open the carefully encased gown in his bedroom closet and found the veil that she wore at her own wedding. We could not resist the temptation. I know it's silly, but he'd make a beautiful bride, no?

brilliant

iWant one. NOW.

So Anton has really become more of a person these days. About 3.5 months old - his hands have found his mouth and he's imitating my speech patterns. I can make him smile just about anytime I want and boy, is it fun. Nothing is more satisfying. Oh this is fun. Oh it is grand. Yes I'm still fat, but I don't care!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you. Lotsa wonderful pictures of our time together can be found here and here!

XO,

~Anne, Doug and Anton

Thank you, God.

~:M A R L I S • A N D • M O L L Y:~

It's not often that you meet the perfect person for a healthy friendship. And it's even more unlikely that you meet two at once. So I feel pretty blessed to have these 2 women as very good friends. Marlis and Molly. I actually met Marlis while we were both Portfolio Center students - she as an Illustration major, me as a Design major. But I really didn't get to know her well until we met again at a Callenwolde calligraphy class. That's where we met Molly, too. The three of us had great fun together and became fast friends. We started meeting up every Friday morning at Java Monkey (the Minkee) for breafast and lonnnng long talks. When I first quit my job to start my own gig, they were both incredibly supportive and always fun.

We've just found out that Molly is moving. While I am excited for their family to evolve and grow, I am sad and will miss her. Molly and Marlis planned to throw a shower for me, which had to be rescheduled because of my hospitalization. But because of this crazy time of year, we ended up cancelling the event and had an intimate gathering of our own. Very sweet and yummy and rejuvenative. So here are some sweet picturess of our fun time together. God bless Marlis and Molly!

I should be in bed by now but I need to share with you all what it feels like to watch your baby learn how to smile. Smiling expresses pleasure and it's the most wonderful gift to give another person. Smile at them. My friend Tina says that when your baby smiles - it's pay day for you. Last night at 3AM, I woke up to feed Anton and he smiled at me BIG time. A full-faced smile with his mouth and eyes. He's an angel. There's nothing like the feeling you get when you know your child is content enough to smile and be sociable.

Taking care of Anton is getting way more fun these days. He's becoming more interactive - looks deeply into my eyes. Searches for me from across the room. Responds to my voice. Coos with pleasure.

What else is nice about Anton? He can sleep 8-9 hours straight at night, so we're all getting more sleep these days. This means my headaches are getting better and I continue to feel more grounded. I had another day with no headache this week. I will be so happy to have more of them.

I fit into my old "skinny" jeans this week. Boy, are they TIGHT, but I managed to squeeze into them. This is another happy milestone!

I am beginning to feel more like a mother. More capable. Less detached from people and my previous life. My worlds are meeting and I am beginning to believe that I can do this.

I AM doing it.

There is nothing like picking up your baby and resting his head on your neck. Feeling his hot breath whisper in your ear. Tiny little panting noises. He smells like vanilla. Sweet and warm and pudgy. Perfect little creature.

My Anton. My sweet boy. My life. My joy. My child. My boy.

Anton is dressed here in a "Pee Pee TeePee" - a baby gift from my friend Rita. These little thingies work like a charm - preventing the mark of Zoro on my shirt and face during the dangerous work of diaper changes. For a split second there I was thinking, "Too bad they only come in blue for boys - they'd be really cute in pink" And then the thought hit me that girls are made differently. I have placenta brain and can't think any more.

Some good news other than Anton, is that I've had two days in a row now without a bad headache. I also took a walk on Monday and felt grounded for the first time, like I wasn't going to float away and faint. I'm getting my strength back in my core - like I can stand on my feet and stretch my muslces and get out of breath and have it feel good. I just want to feel normal, you know?

Sat at my desk for the first time in months yesterday, printed out a calendar and started writing things down. It's a bit overwhelming to look at your life again and wonder how you're going to juggle the old and new. Hmmmph.

Bjorn pooped in four places and peed in two in Anton's room today. I am going to kill him. Grrrrrr.

We celebrated Anton's first Holiday this weekend starting with Thanksgiving Dinner in Atlanta and the rest of the weekend in Clayton. Above is a beautiful picture of Gloria and Mia holding Anton. They all got to meet for the first time.

Packing a car with a new baby is very tricky. We brought Bjorn, too, which only added to our load. Life's wonderfully complicated, though. The drive up was very happy. Doug and I used to make this trip wishing we had a baby in the back seat. This year our wish came true.

Introducing Anton to my brother Peter was a real thrill. Another dream come true. I am still battling headaches. I wish they would go away. I think the constant looking down and handling the baby is hard on my neck and shoulders. Being an older mother I'm sure makes it harder, too. I so want to feel normal. When I don't have a headache, it's so liberating. THIS is what I'm supposed to feel like! It's what normal should be.
I'll continue to be patient.

We took more pictures of the weekend. Check them out!

Thanksgiving in Atlanta

Thanksgiving in Clayton

Oh, and I miss you all. I miss being able to blog, having the energy to float around and visit other blogs. I miss knitting every day. I miss sleep. I miss feeling well. But when you see the pictures we're taking of Anton, you'll see the logic of why our race thrives. There's no denying him. His job is to sleep and eat and thrive. And mine is to make sure he does.

Love to you all,

~Anne

~: S I X • W E E K S • O L D:~

Good morning Friends of Anton,

Things are going well here at the Elser house. I have been recovering very well and finally feel like myself again. Here's why:

1. Headaches are getting better. In addition to meds from the neurologist, I am seeing my chiropractor again, who suspected a pinched nerve might be part of my head pain. He was correct and I've got my life back again.

2. I can take walks again. And am strong enough to push Anton's carriage. This is very freeing, feeling the cool fall breeze and pushing my baby while he sleeps.

3. I can drive again. I'm off the meds that make me too sleepy to drive. So now I've got my independence back and can go out whenever I wish, as long as someone can watch Anton.

4. I can carry Anton in his carrier. I'm strong enough to lift him in and out of the car without doing damage to my surgery site or my neck and shoulders. This means we can go out TOGETHER whenever we wish! Even more independence.

5. Anton can sleep a 6 hour stretch at night! So we often get enough sleep at night, which is wonderful feeling.

6. Bjorn is back home! And is a different dog, after having lived with the pack for over a month. He follows directions much better now, is not a fussy eater any longer and is respectful of Anton and "shows" Anton to newcomers who enter the house. He's eager and well adjusted and not a bit jealous. God bless Vida Ellis, who kept him safe and entertained while I was so sick.

7. I went to church last Sunday and received prayer for my continued healing. The person praying with me got the sense that I had attached shame to my difficulties with the pregnancy, birth and postpartum period. She was right. So we prayed about that specifically. There's a part of me that thinks brought this experience on myself and that I deserved the pain and difficulty. As if! I am so mean to myself. Right after prayer, I had an opportunity to reject the shame in response to a mildly shaming remark made by someone who came to see Anton. Though it might have been well intended, this person attempted to minimize my discomfort by explaining that it was my duty as a woman to suffer through the pregnancy and that my experience was no more or less painful than any other woman's. "Oh, no" I said. "This was no normal pregnancy or birth. I had three rare pregnancy complications, two of which were life-threatening and one of which could have been prevented, were it not for the neglect of the nurse the day I had the seizure." So I was able to defend myself without returning the favor of shame. Way to go Anne!

I can't imagine how much stronger I will feel once I begin working again. Being able to balance Anton with my previous life before pregnancy will feel wonderful, I am sure. I want all my worlds to meet.

I love having Mom and Dad so close. It's like Christmas every day, having them here to play with and love Anton. Giving your parents a grandchild is the best way to say thank you for al the years of love and sacrifice they gave to you. I am so in love and man, oh man. do I understand my mother more now. More than ever before. Being a mother myself, even at this early stage, has done a lot to broaden my understanding of her perspective. The bond between mother and child is based on emotion purely. Without the emotion, the physical link doesn't work. Breast milk comes only when you think about and love your baby. Milk production is powered by your need for your baby and his for you. It's an amazing process. And I am humbled by it.

I have new pictures for you all to see here: Anton: Week 6

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

~Anne

~:C O N T R O L:~

Though I'm madly in love with Anton, I've said goodbye to the notion of control. At least for the time being. This is the largest reality shift I've ever made. I've been brought to my knees by this beautiful creature. We're both new to everything. All of this.

Having decided my life had space for a new being - to enlarge our family, I've got to make room for new things and say goodbye to others. Control being the first. I am a schedule freak. A list maker. An organizer. The person who does it best. The person who thinks of things first. A fixer. A doer. A person who finishes tasks. Who makes everything.

Today I am a person who is new at this huge life shift and is struggling to just keep my balance. Mom says you just get better at it and your confidence grows as you do. She says I sound better than I think I do. And that I'm doing fine. I have no reference other than to think SHE, my own mother, has more experience and could do it better.

So today I just felt overwhelmed. I cried. Anton just looked up at me with the sweetest look on his face. I sang the Skye Boat Song to him and just rocked him. Both of us actually. I woke him up from his nap and whispered in his ear that God was with us. Oh boy, do I need God now. Now more than ever.

So, yes. He is beautiful and I love him. And yes, I am scared to death. Not missing my old life so much. Just unsure about the new one. I have to remind myself of all the previous new hard big things I've accomplished so far. And that I did them well, after letting the boat rock me into a new schedule. Once I find it, I'll be just fine. It's how I've done things in the past. Find the footing.

Maybe Anton's my footing and I just don't know it yet.

Hey guess what? I walked to the mailbox and back today! For the first time in over 3 months. What joy! I also ran the dishwasher. And we're moving the cat box back inside so I can clean it again. And BjornMouse comes home tomorrow night. So we'll be a family again.

Oh, and my tits are on fire. Gotta go. Time to wake up Anton!

I love you all,

~Anne

~:F O U R • Y E A R • A N N I V E R S A R Y:~

Doug and I celebrated our four year wedding anniversary yesterday. Anton's the real gift. A neighbor brought us pot roast for dinner and we went to bed early - exhausted and deliriously happy.

My head's feeling much less sore, though now I'm experiencing tension headaches at night. I wish I could snap my fingers and get rid of them. I am impatient about the time it's taking for my body to heal. I should be better to myself. I think these new headaches are about the huge responsibility before me now. I am in charge of someone's life. It's crazy. Me? Take charge and make sure things are in place for Anton to thrive? Like I know what I'm doing?
Nanny and I took Anton to his 2nd check up at the pediatrician on Wednesday. Gaining an ounce a day and doing very well. Though I kept thinking the nurse and Dr. were scrutinizing me. "Who put HER in charge? SHE'S a mother?" I know it's all in my head and is all about my own insecurities. I kept thinking, "What if he gets sick?" And then I'd say to myself, "Um, you'd take him to his doctor and then he'd get better."

Enough about me...

Anton's a real trip. We are all pretty dern sure he's got Doug's legs. He loves to stretch them out whenever possible, especially when you put him in a pair of pants. It's hysterical to watch. I think the first thing he'll want instead of a Tonka Truck, would be his own ottoman.

We let the cats back in the house this weekend. I missed them. They're curious about Anton - but shoot out of the room if he cries. There's an awful lot of sniffing going on. I'm sure there's more to come when Bjorn gets back.

I remember there being a TV in the family delivery recovery room they gave me after the c-section. And I remember thinking, WHO would ever want to stop looking at their newborn baby and turn to the TV for entertainment?

Still getting the hang of all this new baby stuff. Major lifestyle change - for the better. I don't see imperfections in the house anymore. I don't see dust bunnies on the floor. I don't pick apart unfinished projects I've got around the house anymore. I don't see weeds. All I see is Doug and Anton. And that's beautiful.

To see new pictures of Anton with his Daddy, Baba, Nanny and more go here: Anton: Week 3

Love,

~Anne, Doug & Anton

~:S L E E P • H U N G E R • L O V E:~Oh joy, this is fun. Such, such fun. Anton and I had our first full day alone together yesterday. We did it! So I'm happy and feeling more confident. I have so many thoughts to share with you all and am too tired at the moment to list them all, but wanted to give you a quick update to let you know we are home and I am doing very well - slowly recovering, slowly saying goodbye to those headaches and moving around more easily around the house.

People have been incredibly generous with food. I've never eaten more healthily before in my life. Nor have I ever had such an appetite. I feel pretty chipper during the day. Mornings feel best. But by 6:00, I am more tired than I can describe in words. The best I can manage is to raise a fork to my face and shovel food into my own mouth. Sounds ridiculous, but it's true.

We feed Anton again around midnight and then try to stretch those night time feedings further and further apart. Though it's tricky - as we all get to know each other. Life's all about who is hungry and who is tired. It's fun, though. Feeding Anton is the most satisfyingly simple thing I've ever done. He really is an easy baby - though he had a meltdown yesterday. I took his cue and had one of my own seconds later. So we all sat in the nursery last night and Doug comforted us both. So sweet.

It must be hard to be a new person, I think. Everything's new. It must be scary to be hungry, to cry... to trust that you'll feel better in a second or two. Trying to see the world through Anton's eyes really is enlightening for me. I feel so much like him. If I were to pick him out of a room of babies, I'd pick him. He feels so mine. Even Doug feels more mine. I love him more and more each day. Having this baby has expanded my heart. My capacity for kindness, humility, grace. I feel like an entirely different person. I feel more of everything.

I am so glad to be home and feeling better. Saturday morning I made toast and coffee and OH it was glorious to be standing in my own kitchen again and NOT be afraid of losing this pregnancy. Missed this house so much. I missed color. I missed sunlight. I missed the sound of crickets. Running water. The feel of a breeze. My bed. Dogs barking. And now Doug and I have Anton to share it with. To hold and stand by a window and point to our front yard and tell him that's all his.

I feel so transformed.

Thank you again to everyone for your gifts, your prayers, your support, your food.

Check out our new round pictures: Anton: Week 2

Love,

~Anne, Doug & Anton

Dear Friends and family,

This is a very wordy e-mai you may wish to glaze over if you don't' have a lazy afternoon or evening to spare for its digestion. Otherwise, enjoy.

First of all, Anton is doing fabulously well. I, however, am not - though on the mend. The very next day after discharge, I was readmitted to the hospital for pregnancy induced hyper tension. Then cluster migraines. And to top it off, experienced a seizure for the first time in my life, was rushed down to the ICU and remained there over night for closer observation. I was readmitted back to my old room here up on HRP and have been slowly weaned off medications like something for bruising that happens to your brain when you get hit with migraines, magnesium sulfate, high blood pressure medication, pain meds, etc. . They will send me home with medication to control this postpartum pregnancy induced hypertension. It has been horrible. The migraine pain on a scale from 1-10 was a twenty. We hope the worst is far behind us and we can go home - and STAY home as a well family at last. Right now we are looking at a date of later this week to go home at last. Something like Weds, Thursday or Friday. Keep your fingers crossed!

Doug, Mom and Dad have been a tremendous help. They have been able to bond with Anton in a way that I have not quite yet had the energy or health to do so. I am told that Anton will remember me once we are close again and in the quite peacefulness of our cozy home. After all, I have a lifetime of memories to build with him, don't I?

The complications of this pregnancy have been such a tremendous test of character for me. I am confident that Doug has passed, Anton has passed and Mom and Dad have as well. All with flying colors. Today I am looking for the faith needed to give myself the same passing grade. There is a voice in my head that pipes up in times in great stress - and I am looking deeply for that voice today. I will have a lot of time for myself to dwell and ponder, pray, meditate and relax.

I pray or peace. I pray to find a new rhythm of this new life of mine quickly. I pray for confidence. Reassurance. Faith. Openness. Love. Grace.

I have to tell you about what an easy-going baby Anton is. He NEVER fusses, unless you change his diaper - end even then, it's ever so temporary. He just goes with the flow. Is easy to tote around. Once swaddled, he looks like a little burrito. He just never fusses. Dad and Doug took him to his first pediatrician appt. yesterday and he passed with flying colors. My sweet baby boy. His story has been the least complicated of everyones. Mine the most. I'd rather it be that way, as painful as it is. Life never stops throwing you curve balls and I pray for peace throughout this big shift. If I can survive what's hard about this, just think of all the new knowledge I'd be able to share with others - just think of how much stronger it will make me. A better person, mother, wife, teacher, daughter, friend.

One thing I need to keep reminding myself is that the seizure I had was BECAUSE of the pregnancy and that once my body is convinced it's no longer pregnant, I'm out of the woods. And as far as living with migraines goes, I now have a new Dr. to guide me through coping with that disease. There are millions of people who cope with it daily and the treatments available just keep getting better and better. So there is hope and I can do this. I will be taking something for anxiety, depression and migraines. It's supposed to be a wonder drug for all three. And I pray it works.

I think what I am facing more now is fear. I have never in my life felt more dependent upon people for compassion and tenderness before. I resisted it with a passion when first being admitted here at Northside Hospital, and even while on modified bed rest at home while teaching. It's hard to be vulnerable and ask for help. But once things got really scary, I begged for it and graciously go it. Not since I was five years old, I was once again cradled in the arms of my mother and husband for naps upon naps. I cannot describe the feeling. Resting your head on the chest of people who love you, as your knees are drawn up under your chin, your arms wrapped around their neck, their arms stroking your back...feels like nothing else. It is a primal return to childhood. An its effects miraculous. During this healing process, I have felt an even deeper connection to Anton in that I understand more fully the depth of his neediness. We are the same, Anton and I. Both creatures of the same body, both familiar with the same heartbeat. Both dependent upon the same loving group of support people. When I close my eyes, I picture his sweet face. When I look in the mirror, I see his face. His neediness, his innocence, his openness. It's a connection hard to put into words.

Please. please say prayers for us. I so want normal life as a mommy to begin. I so want to find and discover that new life. After being here in limbo for so long, walking on eggshells and facing the frightening unknown, it is a wonder I'm still here. But I've got so much to live for. I have family. Friends, A perfect baby boy. And I hope a more active prayer life to guide me through it all.

Thank you so much for your love and support. If there's anything you feel you'd like to do to help us at this time, I would say meals tot he house would be very helpful. My job for the next few weeks will be to eat and feed my baby only. Stairs only twice a day and to sleep whenever I can. Mom and Dad will be with me at the house taking shifts while Doug's at work.

Oh! One more good piece of news is that I am moving around much more comfortably with the c-section scar. It's healing well and I can sit up in bed without too much pulling, can slowly walk around - better and better every day.

I thank you all for your lovely cards and gifts, your thoughts and prayers, your kindness and generosity of spirit. The meaning of community has been strengthened for me - of which you play a tremendous part. Please forgive my lack of gratitude in letters and e-mails. I've got strength for only so much these days and it seems my mantra will be to take it as easy as possible for a while. It'll just be Anton and me - peace and quiet and a whole lot of grace. Please know how very grateful I am for all you've done for us.

Oh! And another thing - Anton, we think, favors Doug's features. His disposition is mine though. So it's a perfect combination. The nurses here at HRP have named Doug "Barbie Dream Husband" because he's so incredibly attentive to me and makes all the nurses laugh with his jokes and antics. I have fallen in love with him all over again - something I've heard from other new parents. Having a baby changes the way you look at your spouse. In every wonderful way possible.

To view more pictures of our precious boy, follow these these links:
here and here
God bless you all.

~Anne, Doug and Anton.