2011

Remember all that stuff I said about becoming love? Fuckit. Let's kick some ass this year.

Thinking Pink

When I was little, my mother told me every dress I tried on with ruffles swallowed me in fabric. She liked me in more tailored and simple cut clothes. I did, too. As honest as that statement was, I took it to mean that embellishment did not look good on me. ANY embellishment. I could wear something that sparkled, but it had to be small and not overpowering. So every dress, earring, necklace, ring, scarf, hat, etc had to be small in size and not too flashy, else I'd be swallowed up and disappear. And worst of all, I'd look silly.

It wasn't until recently that I began to look deeper into the notion that I had an artsy but conservative sense of style. Well. Today I say FUCK THAT.

After a particularly deep session with Debra, I decided I needed a new pair of sunglasses. I had three pair at home that were scratched, some shade of brown and small. SMALL. Hrrrm. I had thirty more minutes to pick up Anton from school at 1:00. Across the street is a Loehmans. They've got a good selection of eyewear, so I flew in, picked out two pairs I liked, remembered where they were and after picking up Anton, brought him back inside with me to help me choose which pair.

I held out the two to show him and he shrugged his shoulders and went back to the rack. He picked out a large pair of pink Ray Bans. "I like these, Mommy."

I put them on my face and looked in the mirror. Oh yes, they were fun, but too big for me. Too loud. Too fancy.

Just then, a beautiful black man walked past me and said with a smile, "Honey, those look good on you."

That was god. Anton and my phantom stylist piped in long enough for me to take a second look in the mirror and buy those shades in the spirit of joyful confidence.

So here they are and here I am. These rose colored glasses are amazing. Not the kind that hides from the truth, but searches for it, redefines it and becomes it.

Being Sick

In the midst of all this glorious professional and spiritual re-birthing I've been experiencing lay a fair amount of old wounds in need of healing. They have come to the surface in a myriad of ways - through conversations, sessions with Debra, journaling and through my body. It's called a healing crisis and fuck, does this one hurt. Two weeks ago I got the beginning of Anton's latest cold and reached a point where I could not swallow without feeling like I had a cheese grater for a throat. Mark Strand calls the throat the "sleeve of my voice." My inner voice cracked open a wider path and this time I listened.

Shortly after, the real cold came and because my Neti Pot and I are such good friends, the infection abandoned my sinuses and decided to settle in my ear and in my eye. At this point I am laughing, it's so ridiculous!

NOT a good week. But it's good. But it feels bad. So, yes. It's movement and the only way over something is not really OVER it, but through it. I've moved with what feels comfortable and still am doing my work, but I take it slowly.

In honor of the voice that wants to scream, I've posted a prettier (but no less wittier) version of what I'm feeling.

To life! Fuckit!

PS: This was made with a round sable brush, liner brush and FW inks. Liquid love.

Opening Happiness

Right before making the covers for this tiny tape-bound book, I made a last minute stop at Starbucks for a yummy, sugary, caloric carbohydrate treat. I liked the words on the bag it came in as much as what was in my mouth. Open Happiness. Choose Real Thought. Enjoy the Difference.

And it struck me today that the key to my life is simply this: Do What Feels Good. No judgement. No mistakes. No what ifs. None of that. I want to know that every direction I am inclined to take is there for a reason and it is through that movement into pleasure that I will discover more and more, which leads to more and more.

Mirroring

None of the bedrooms Doug and I have shared (this makes the third one) have ever been really finished. The more publicly visible rooms in our homes got all the attention and the private nest just never got as cozy as I would have liked. Until now. This house is so tiny, so perfectly proportioned and evenly spaced, everything gets my attention. No space is left unloved. I love living small. LOVE the tiny fridge. The tiny porch, tiny yard, short driveway, ultra mini pantry. I see all of it and it sees me.

I decided to put most of the mirrors we own into this beautiful little green bedroom. It now reflects everything - color, space and light. Makes the room feel twice as big, without losing its snuggly appeal. And it's interesting - when you put up beautifully framed mirrors, you and your movement become the art. It constantly changes. The time of day, the feel of the air, the fabric you're wearing, your face, your movements - it all gets reinterpreted in these mirrors.


I am now on the lookout for more mirrors. And that's not just on the physical side. I mean metaphorical mirrors, too. I am opening to change.

And by the way - this is Doug in bed. And that E was from an old sign. The oval white-framed mirror was in my childhood bedroom. And the headboard was my grandparent's. The pillows were from my needlepointing days.

I am loving this house.

A Plant's Enlightenment

You will find this post boring if you're not a plant person. :)

I've had this darling little plant in my kitchen for years and years. A co-worker brought in a cutting for me one day and I took it home and once rooted, put it in a pot. Then that plant grew, I made more babies from it. During my hospital stay as a soon-to-be-mother, I brought a baby plant with me. That one got watered, but the mother plant left at home did not make it. So I brought the baby plant that survived with me int he hospital home in one arm, and Anton (my real baby!) in my other arm and we all started our new lives together.

I've always been curious about what kind of plant this was. I loved it for its little round leaves, flecked with white. I loved its reddish bark, the way it looked like lace reaching for the ceiling.


Two weeks ago I was browsing through Hastings and this plant stopped me in my tracks. It was MY plant, but now outside with not just white flecks, but PINK and lots of tiny new pink stems. I grabbed the closest person in a green apron I could get my hands on ask asked what this was.

"It's a Snow Bush, " he said, beaming. I just love plant people. "This is what happens to it when you bring it outside during the warm months. Its leaves enlarge, it turns pink, it gets 2 feet tall. It's a shrub in Hawaii!"

So now, my little house plant is outside, getting all the light it needs to flourish. As it grows, I'll keep enlarging its pot. I am so excited to have discovered its true nature.

Plants are just like us. Looking for the light. Pinkening when we find it.

PS: If I've given you a cutting or a potted baby of this plant, you know what to do! Take it outside!!

The Gift of Chaos

I hate it when my world turns upside down. I resent how it disrupts the scaffolding I've so carefully constructed. Just now discovering the gift of the upset, I am trying to accept the flow, the new order of things in exchange for the release of all my pettiness.

Chaos always feels like failure. And it's always my fault, my making. But what of the "fault" was changed to the word "ownership?" Ownership means power and choice and a sense of purposefulness. It means there's a wisdom to the whole process of nature, of things seeming to "happen." The happening is of my own making. The happening has its own wisdom. And it comes from me because it surrounds me.

Chaos is a gift. It is part of invention's ingenuity. It is pure creativity. And the discomfort is divine. I give myself to the discomfort. I am my own god. I make myself. My own Maker, I send love to the cells of chaos.

Soft Focus

So these pictures of my beloved family were all taken with my dinky iPhone (also a member of my family) with a quick and dirty photoshop mobile filter to finish them off. We are two weeks closer to moving and I am looking wistfully at everything before me. So I think the filter is appropriate. Cause it's really how I see things.

Saying good bye to this beautiful house is really hard. It was such a homely bachelor pad when we moved in. And now it's transformed into an adorable, yet strong boned home. If ever there was a statement that described the inner transformations I've been through the past 8 years since living here, that says it all: adorable and strong boned.

Our very next home will engage us into a new set of transformations. I can't wait to see what they are.

Hello, life. I am here and I love you.

Enlightenment Reading List

All of these books are on my reading list. Some I am reading, some I've finished and some are on my wish list. They all are linked to my decision to leave the Christian church, my new understanding of how we fit together in this universe, who god is, life's new meaning and the healing taking place in this enlightenment.

Do you have books that might fit within the list? Please add your own so I can grow this library.

The Blue Truth by David Deida

You are deeper than your life shows, and you know it. You are more loving than your relationships allow, more brilliant than your career suggests. In your secret depth of being, you are infinite, creative, boundless—and utterly unable to press your full glory into the world. Or so it seems. In Blue Truth, internationally acclaimed teacher David Deida presents a treasury of insights for uncovering your true heart of purpose, passion, and unquenchable love. In Part One, Deida shows you how to "open as the entirety of the moment, feeling as deep inside and as far outside as you can, for as long as now opens." In Part Two, he reveals how to walk this path in the wilderness of intimate relationship, illuminating "the art and play of sexual gifting" and how to expertly navigate the tangle of anger, jealousy, fear, and lust. "Knowing the truth is fairly useless; feeling it is profound; living it makes all the difference," teaches David Deida. With Blue Truth, you have an unprecedented guide for living your own deep truth, and awakening "as the bare openness you are, in the free offering of love to all."

A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle

According to Tolle, who assumes the role of narrator as well, humans are on the verge of creating a new world by a personal transformation that shifts our attention away from our ever-expanding egos. This idea is well realized through Tolle's remarkably well-paced narration. Naturally, the author understands his material so thoroughly that he is able to convey it in an enjoyable manner, but Tolle's gentle tone and dialect begs his audience's attention simply through its straightforward approach. Something about this reading just seems profoundly important, whether one agrees with the material or not, and listeners' attention is sure to be captured within seconds of listening to Tolle's take on the universe in which we live. Originally released in 2005, both book and audiobook were reissued when Oprah Winfrey chose the title for her book club this year. A Penguin paperback. (Feb.) Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.


The Field by Lynn McTaggart

McTaggart, an investigative journalist (What Doctors Don't Tell You), describes scientific discoveries that she believes point to a unifying concept of the universe, one that reconciles mind with matter, classic Newtonian science with quantum physics and, most importantly, science with religion. At issue is the zero point field, the so-called "dead space" of microscopic vibrations in outer space as well as within and between physical objects on earth. These fields, McTaggart asserts, are a "cobweb of energy exchange" that link everything in the universe; they control everything from cellular communication to the workings of the mind, and they could be harnessed for unlimited propulsion fuel, levitation, ESP, spiritual healing and more. Physicists have been aware of the likelihood of this field for years, McTaggart writes, but, constrained by orthodoxy, they have ignored its effects, which she likens to "subtracting out God" from their equations. But, McTaggart asserts, "tiny pockets of quiet rebellion" against scientific convention are emerging, led by Ed Mitchell, an Apollo 14 astronaut and founder of the Institute for Noetic Sciences, an alternative-science think tank. McTaggart writes well and tells a good story, but the supporting data here is somewhat sketchy. Until it materializes, McTaggart may have to settle for being a voice in the wilderness. Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.


Why Christianity Must Change Or Die by John Shelby Spong

John Shelby Spong is the Episcopal Bishop of Newark, New Jersey, and has enjoyed a career filled with controversy, much of it thanks to his many bestselling books, such as Born of a Woman, Living in Sin?, and Liberating the Gospels. He has tapped into an audience of people who are at once spiritually starved and curious, yet unwilling or unable to embrace Christianity.

Spong refers to himself as a believer in exile. He believes the world into which Christianity was born was limited and provincial, particularly when viewed from the perspective of the progress in knowledge and technology made over the past two millennia. This makes any ideas or beliefs formulated in 1st-century Judea totally inadequate to our progressive minds and lives today. So Spong is in exile until Christianity is re-formed to discard all of the outdated and, according to Spong, false tenets of Christianity.

He begins his book by exposing the Apostles Creed line by line, then methodically moves on through the heart of Christian belief, carefully exploring each aspect, demonstrating in each case the inadequacies of Christianity as detailed in the Bible and in the traditions of the Church. The epilogue includes Spong's own creed, recast to reflect the beliefs he considers relevant to Christianity at the end of the 20th century.

Oddly enough, Spong's views do not seem particularly new. In fact, his views seem very much in keeping with the religious humanist variety of Unitarianism. What is remarkable is not the beliefs themselves, but that an Episcopal bishop would be the one to embrace and espouse them. Spong has become a trumpeter in the battle of beliefs, not just in the Episcopal communion, but in the realm of Christian faith in general in this country. His books are bestsellers and are in turn, presumably, read by those who, whether they agree or disagree, all acknowledge that in some way, Spong is involved in setting the agenda. This book, as the admitted "summation of his life's work" tells every reader what the complete agenda will be, for the next few years at least. --Patricia Klein


The Holographic Universe by Michael Talbot

Author Talbot writes that ". . . there is evidence to suggest that our world and everything in it. . . are also only ghostly images, projections from a level of reality so beyond our own it is literally beyond both space and time." Hence, the title of his book. Beginning with the work of physicist David Bohm and neurophysiologist Karl Pribram, both of whom independently arrived at holographic theories or models of the universe, Talbot explains in clear terms the theory and physics of holography and its application, both in science and in explanation of the paranormal and psychic. His theory of reality accommodates this latest thinking in physics as well as many unresolved mind-body questions. This well-written and fascinating study is recommended for science collections. - Hilary D. Burton, Lawrence Livermore National Lab., Livermore, Cal.
Copyright 1991 Reed Business Information, Inc.

My Truth Doesn't Matter

One more issue. I've spent my lifetime trying to please other people, at the expense of my own happiness. Most of the time I didn't even know I was betraying myself - it just felt good to get my jollies this way - depending on the good graces from others - needy for their positive feedback - unsure of my own instincts.

But we do these things to elicit love from others. And most of us learned this behavior way back in our childhoods.

So if you can learn it - you can UNlearn it. Easier said than done - but little by little, I am chiseling away at the adult defensive exterior and giving Anne what she really wants. So rather than pushing away - I can turn my attention to the things I want, which may or may not be a yes or a no to someone else - it's just my own Truth.

No one can argue against the truth and if it's yours, then poof - make it so.

Yes. No. Maybe. Another time. Not right now. We will see. I will know. Let me think about it.
All these statements are now possible if I ask myself what I really want.

The answer is always inside me. I am learning to listen for it.

Need To Be Right

This is one I've been working on - an issue that blocks me from growing. Not needing to be right sort of redefines what being "wrong" means. Being wrong, or making a mistake is an opportunity. For change. No one's fucked up. No one's "done it again." No one fails. If you see those challenging and scary "errors", the one's that make us feel bad, the one's that make us worry about being labeled stupid, difficult, wrong, in trouble - as nudges in a different direction, then they're not so terrifying and are easier to bear.

Think of the child inside you - and telling that child they're a fuck-up. Could you really do that? Point to a little kid and be that cruel? So why do that to yourself? Or an event? Or another person? If I'm OK with my nudges, then I'm more okay with those that other people experience. And then, POOF, I'm more tolerant. And I've just nipped in the bud Headache # 23, 746.

Suddenly, I'm allowing love to touch me. And all those nudges really are love. And now I'm more loving.

Wow.

Don't be embarrassed by your "mistakes." It's your own movement. Everything is a gift.

The Enlightened Ones!

THIS is the lovely Debra (in the middle) I've been talking about! Taken at the preview of Grace. My long time friend Ashlee's there on the left who wore her lovely kitten dress. :) It was a magical evening! Surrounded by good friends and good art all around. Also love this picture of Yu-Kai. Smiles all around.

Thrust

This is Thrust. She's in the Kai Lin Art show called GRACE along with her other 7 siblings. Thrust is a portrait of a lamp Doug found at a garage sale years ago. It's been in our foyer ever since. A great vintage find, this lamp has been bumped, tipped over and broken a few times. I keep gluing it back together and it's still standing.

Its resiliency resembles my own past and its thrust of me into the healing present. No matter how dark your past might be, there is always its gift to help move you forward. Nothing in our lives is wasted. The "good or bad" is offering us a way through and over something.

I'm just now on the other side of my first major thrust into the present. Proof of this is in this painting. I wouldn't have had the energy to spend on it had I still been pondering yesterday.

This painting has already been pre-purchased with "Listener" and chosen as a pair because they make such a good one.

Speaker

This is one of my new series on Enlightenment called Speaker. This uniquely feminine organ is a part of me I used to give a bad rap and politely disregarded. Well, no more. When I was very little, my first wish was to be a movie star - and a voluptuous one at that. I loved the lingerie, the makeup, the high heeled shoes. And somewhere along the line (in several places), I learned to become ashamed of my femininity.
Going to art school really sealed the lid shut. It just wasn't cool to paint anything feminine, especially if you were a female. And I bought that line and stayed that way for a very long time. It wasn't until a year ago that I had the courage to open the lid on that coffin and begin to let the female within me really glow.

Every male professor I had said the most outrageous things to me about my "decorative subject matter."
"Every young female painter is attracted to Egon Schiele's and Gustav Klimt's work. It's typical. Move beyond your cliché impulses."

"Your paintings look like pot holders."

"You can't see beyond your own navel."

Only one female visiting instructor was wise enough to look at my paintings as a whole, then went to each one and said, "This is you. This one's not you. This one's you., etc."

And there was only one male professor who looked at me and told me I was going to be a great mother someday. I think he meant it as a compliment and I took it that way.

But it was the most off-based comments given to me by my male instructors that I decided to shape myself towards.

For the next 20 years, painting was painful, brought back bad memories and enraged me. It was safer for me not to paint, because then I didn't have to hear those awful voices in my head. This was my choice.

She speaks now. She's aware of her gifts and abilities and nurtures them in gentle love. She's all girl. She's a superstar. This speaker's voice fertilizes herself over and over and over again.

GRACE

When you come to the opening, prepare to hear Ella Fitzgerald, Sarah Vaughn and The Andrews Sisters booming into your chest and to share in the vision of three female artists: Mary Farmer, Sun Hong, and myself.

So very excited!

Start Time:	Friday, March 19, 2010 at 7:00pm
End Time:	Saturday, May 1, 2010 at 10:00pm
Location:	Kai Lin Art
Street:	800 Peachtree Street NE Suite A
City/Town:	Atlanta, GA

KAI LIN ART proudly invites you to attend our eighth exhibition ”GRACE”, featuring the lush, ethereal work of three female painters Mary Farmer, Sun Hong, and Anne-Davnes Elser.

The show opens Friday, March 19th, 2010 and runs through May 1st, 2010.

GRACE: lush, ethereal, color

LOCATION: Kai Lin Art
800 Peachtree Street, NE Suite A. Atlanta, GA 30308

FOR MORE INFO: INFO@KAILINART.COM

PRESS CONTACT: 404 408 4248

Seeing and Speaking Light

This is the latest in my new series: Light. About seeing and speaking light (enlightenment). The object is speech itself. My mouth now opens and reflects light and I get to watch it happening with my own eyes, instead of looking to another thing or person to reflect my own image. So freeing. Scary at times, but it's happening all the same.

Ravish Me

Happy New Year!

I'm painting again with an entirely new series of work for a show in March called Grace at the Kai Lin Art Gallery in Midtown. This series is about the process of enlightenment I'm beginning. It'll be a lifetime of work and progression - but I'm on my way. The ordinary is more extraordinary and the objects I'll paint will be metaphors for the changes I'm experiencing.

I am the teapot. Shimmering with peace and creativity. Changing. Becoming. Ready to pour, ready to be filled again. Ravish me! I can take it.

12 Reasons Why I'm No Longer A Christian

Been digging deep within my ego child's mind in the Enlightenment therapy/training stuff I'm doing. This list came from my coach Debra, who has really saved my life. You all have heard/read about her before on this here beelog.

I recently got into a scrap with a man who used to be my "wizard" of sorts - the man who thought of me as the daughter he never had, and whose ideas about god, politics, and religion I adopted as my own from about the age of 4. This choice of mine really wasn't a choice - but an offer of safety. We grow up mimicking our elders, thinking that if we model ourselves after them, our world makes sense, because it is all we know.

I realize now how trapped I was in a religious environment modeled after the idea of morality, humility, sacrifice and guilt. It was literally poisoning me. Today, I let go of its curses.

Now that I've realized I've survived my childhood and no longer need protection from god, the church or anyone, I see this world with such different eyes and with that, comes a new self.

I have had two children in my life. The first was my son Anton. The second is my new Self. The one who is everything there is, everything I am. And it's all up to me. Wow. What freedom there is in that statement.

I still have a lot of anger to sift through as I reclaim my own beliefs and create my own life. But I am on my way. Through. And shining the entire time.

Here goes the list:

Some Basic Axiomatic Positionalities of the Ego

from Reality and Subjectivity by David R. Hawkins

1. Phenomena are either good or bad, right or wrong, just or unjust, fair or unfair.

2. The "bad" deserve to be punished and the "good" rewarded.

3. Things happen by accident or else they are the fault of somebody else.

4. The mind is capable of comprehending and recognizing truth from falsehood.

5. The world causes and determines one's experiences.

6. Life is unfair because the innocent suffer while the wicked go unpunished.

7. People should be different than they are.

8. It is critical and necessary to be right.

9. It is critical and necessary to win.

10. Wrongs must be righted.

11. Righteousness must prevail.

12. Perceptions represent reality.

Healing Crisis and Nonie

Many of you know that my grandmother, Adele (we called her Nonie) died last Saturday morning. It was such a gift to be able to witness her passing and preparation for letting go. The healing and rebirth that occurred within me from having been a part of this death has lasted all week and last night, came to a pulsating head.

It began with a headache and tailbone pain (the usual for me when there's something I need to look at or let go of). This pain is the ego child's mind afraid, regretful, etc. I decided to go to a Thursday night Enlightenment meeting where Martha Burgess talks to a cozy group about all of this stuff - all this healing - all this surrendering - all this movement and letting go. Last night's topic was about losing parts of you along the way and reclaiming them. The parts of me I diminished as a child that I set aside in favor of getting more love, etc. Two really big parts I diminished of mine were 1. my femininity and 2. the artist.

Even going to undergrad art school didn't grant me access to this birthright of mine. I went through it all with trepidation and angst and self loathing. Sure, I learned some techniques but really, what I came away with was the idea that I wasn't good enough (because I was just a woman) and that the act of creation was painful and often lead to depression and suicide. Isn't that awful!? No wonder I stopped painting! It made me miserable.

NOW I am relearning the act of creation and pooling all of the skills I've acquired along the way into a more complete and productive Anne. I am finally calling myself an artist. It took that long. And I no longer curse the decision to go to art school any longer.

All I want to do in this moment is PAINT. Again. And paint big. And sell big. Gallery big. Opening big. And I've got more than enough content to ride this new wave of creativity and power. Sure the little books and boxes are fun - but one can never charge enough money for the amount of time you put into them. So they'll stay as products of the fun classes I teach. But starting today, I am carving out more of my time to create the art I've wanted to for so long. The bulk of my income will be from painting and the pieces I sell.

I feel so liberated.

But back to the healing crisis: Last night near the end of the Martha Burgess workshop, she walked up to me and said that my grandmother on my mother's side was with me. Martha's never met me before. But she saw Nonie. And BOY did I cry then. She took my face in her hands and kissed my cheek and said "this is from her."

So yeah. Nonie is one with all of life, having ended this life and entered into the next. I made this little xmas ornament for Nonie years ago and she hung it in her living room for years. Now it's mine again. And she's with me everywhere. So wonderful to rediscover her.

I woke up this morning having felt the cellular effect of all the healing Martha did for me last night. I'll take it easy today and continue to heal.

The most amazing epiphany I walked away with last night (and there were many!) was this: You cannot create and worry about survival simultaneously. Now THAT redefines work, doesn't it? So when I paint - it will be about expressiveness without judgement - the kind of judgement that says "I'll fail, I'm not good enough at this, they'll laugh at me."

I will be a channel for the God within me, who is the ONLY God - not some hefty white-bearded man in a robe that is separate from me.

First step this weekend is to take a hot bath right now - get those cells to feeling better, eat and sleep and just love myself.

I am amazed by this movement. I am in awe. I am beginning to really believe (someday I'll KNOW) that change is the most beautiful thing ever.

I am moving. My world has been rocked. And fuck, I AM the rock! and the water. and the stone...

Da Flood

The rain caused our back porch to flood and seeped into the floor of my studio. Kind of a mess and a bit of panic. Nothing was damaged, though my carpet stinks. It needed cleaning anyway. It was interesting, working through the challenge of a flood with Doug. We made it through and I think calmly. That's another notch in our belt.

Funny thing about marriage. My idea of a perfect one has certainly been challenged. The vows we took so many years ago can be rewritten daily if we want to. It's constantly being reinvented. And we're both of us going through a great number of spiritual transformations. It is an awesome thing to watch happen. Again, my idea of God was the big rusty cog in my understanding of this life and how things work and can/should be. Once that changed, I broadened and I feel a great weight has been lifted off me.

The parental God, the christian God keeps you needy, guilty, ashamed, weak and helpless. It keeps you bound to things, people and obligations. It shales all personal responsibility off your shoulders. It comes at a huge price of OWING and atoning for your natural shortcomings.

This new god is about love only. No debt. No shame. No guilt. All love. It's all love. And I am strong. And things happen as they should, comfortable or not. It's all great information to bring me closer to the god I know I am. I am responsible for my own pace, my own learning, my own choices. And there is no fear. If I see it or feel it, I look right at it and ask it what it's telling me. The way through working through your fears is the only way.

God isn't fear anymore. It's all okay.