These are some images that Debra picked off of me a few weeks ago - I inked them up and FUCK if they don't make more and more sense to me every time I look at them. These statement weep with the insecurity I felt by loving/worshipping and yearning to be closer to a dominant, angry and parental god. It was crushing me. And it's my biggest beef with the god I used to know, "God the Father."
When Debra picks stuff off of me that I have a tough time digesting, I get out my ink and go to town. It feels good to put it to paper, with thought, interpretation and purposefulness. My heart feels so small today. I have so little to give. But I think it's part of the process.
I don't want to hate god. I don't want to hate the church. I don't want to hate myself. But I distain what I became. What I was. And now I'm so mixed up in the not knowing, it's frightening. Humiliating. I hardly feel like myself. Hardly feel real.
I know I am safe, though. I am discarding all the things that gave me headaches, migraines and back pain. I am saying hello to this moment. I am at it's mercy. I want to be that enlightened flower Eckhart Tolle talks about in The New Earth.
I am removing the word HOPE from my dictionary and replacing it with BE.
I still love you, God. I do. Just not like a wanting creature, but a Being one.
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4 comments:
You are so brave to express yourself in such a pure, raw, open way. I admire you for your courage. I so relate...rescue, direction, accepting who and what I am. Ugh, I hate this stuff!
I hate it, too. At least, today I'm really hating it. Yesterday I was fine. Hmmph. Thanks for your thoughtful response, Lisa!
"I want a gpd who stays dead
Not plays dead..." Niietczhe by the Damdy Warhols
Sorry- the anon was me...I was looking at your post (and calligraphy) on my Ipod- while I was listening to that song- strangely apropos...so I typed a reply on the Ipod, not realizing how my fat fingers mauled the message-
Yes you are brave- and strong- and you will be fine.
Faith in yourself is harder to find than faith in god...:)
Mike
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