These are some images that Debra picked off of me a few weeks ago - I inked them up and FUCK if they don't make more and more sense to me every time I look at them. These statement weep with the insecurity I felt by loving/worshipping and yearning to be closer to a dominant, angry and parental god. It was crushing me. And it's my biggest beef with the god I used to know, "God the Father."
When Debra picks stuff off of me that I have a tough time digesting, I get out my ink and go to town. It feels good to put it to paper, with thought, interpretation and purposefulness. My heart feels so small today. I have so little to give. But I think it's part of the process.
I don't want to hate god. I don't want to hate the church. I don't want to hate myself. But I distain what I became. What I was. And now I'm so mixed up in the not knowing, it's frightening. Humiliating. I hardly feel like myself. Hardly feel real.
I know I am safe, though. I am discarding all the things that gave me headaches, migraines and back pain. I am saying hello to this moment. I am at it's mercy. I want to be that enlightened flower Eckhart Tolle talks about in The New Earth.
I am removing the word HOPE from my dictionary and replacing it with BE.
I still love you, God. I do. Just not like a wanting creature, but a Being one.
