Saturday, October 01, 2005

~ : D R E A M I N G : ~
I had a wonderful dream last night. I woke up sunny. The night before, Doug and I watched an episode of Six Feet Under, where this Harley biker guy playing santa was killed on his bike while waving to children on the street. He smashed into an oncoming truck. Santa was late that year. It was sad.

But his funeral was fantastic. All his friends were there, dancing, singing, crying, remembering him. All were so unashamed to show love. They stayed up all night on Christmas Eve, partied hard. At one point, the widow and Nate have a conversation about death and loss and life. He asks her if she'd rather have a husband who was more careful. She replies no. If he had been the careful sort, he would have been a different person - not as fully living in the moment as he was. Even if his carefree attitude was the end of him, his life was lived as it was meant to be lived. A fully-lived life.

All I could think about was Tommy. His fully-lived-in life. Though brief, I have to respect how he chose to live his life. He was fearless, reckless, wickedly funny. And extremely generous. Though he created conflict in our family, I am still greatful for the things I've learned from him. He was just like one of those Harley bikers. Born to be wild. These days, I can't have an epiphany without thinking of what he'd say about it. I can't be really depressed without thinking of his depression. I think of him a lot.

So the dream I had was in response to all my thoughts about him. Doug and I were walking arm in arm sharing the same rhythm, walking towards Portfolio Center where I teach. We were walking to the song Born To Be Wild. And that song reminds me of Tommy. It was an essential part of his music collection. Along with The Allman Brothers, Santana, Elton John, Heart, Stevie Ray Vaughn. Any whiff of the 70's I get snaps me right back to him.

In my dream, before Doug and I got the school,
we were at a train station, embraced in a hug,
and I remarked how quiet it was -
how the whipping and violent wind was gone
and that everything was so peacful.

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