Monday, July 10, 2006
~:B O R E D * B U T * T H A N K F U L:~
First of all - thank you for your e-mails and responses to my drug-induced post. Collin - your response made me laugh out loud. You all have been wonderful. So we've made some changes around the house.
I spend the morning upstairs and am allowed to take a shower if I want. Staying in bed. Not as fun as it sounds. And I'm an introvert!!! So far I've been in bed mostly up here - stuff sprawled all over the mattress. iSight s hooked up, as you can see - though bed head really isn't my best look. But I'd love to see you guys.
My sweet neighbors Tom and Pat have offered to check in on me. Mom and Dad stop by, too and are errand runners and meal makers. Moral supporters as well.
Doug's been a dream. Of course. Last night he and Tom put up a 3 foot quick fix chicken wire fence for the BjornMouse in the front yard. Just a small section. Doug cracked open one of the front windows that goes outside to serve as a little doggie door so he can let himself out to do his business. We put all the cat stuff in the back screened-in porch so Olaf and Gunther can't get out and are safe. Though I miss seeing them - this is the best situation for now.
On my bed I have 2 phones, a Sudoku book (the easy version), the iSight camera (which I have renamed the iSigh), my laptop doggie treats, Forever Amber, knitting for Bimp sweaters, jordan almonds, chocolate and caramel covered popcorn, a variety of pillows in all sorts of shapes and sizes, chips, DVDs and more.
Mom will come in the afternoons for lunch. We knit together. She's knitting a darling alpaca sweater and matching leggings set for Bimp. He's going to be one cozy sweater baby.
I am bored. I hope to get used to this. Need to maintain some kind of schedule or I'll go mad. The term REST really is deceptive. Resting makes me more tired. Isn't that strange? I feel if I were a less selfish person, every time I have an ache or worry, I'd be talking to the Bimp in a reassuring tone - telling him I'd do anything to keep him safe. But I moan and groan and cry myself to sleep. Feeling ever so human. Fragile. Selfish. I hate being so dependent. So aware of my body - of fragility. The possibility of losing the baby is looming over me. Every step I take, every motion to shift positions keeps me on edge. I expect to be taken to the emergency room again - it's hard not to think about that. Hard to stay positive. I tell myself that this is only temporary. That life even without a baby can be good. That I can make good out of any situation.
Makes me wonder how people who deal with illness and handicaps cope. I suppose one makes a decision to deal with fear of the unknown with a healthy perspective. I don't feel angry. I feel afraid. Weak. Unsure of myself. I feel anxious. Helpless. My mouth opens and I want to cry.
My chest aches. I know that's stress. I wish I could do yoga again. I will ask the Dr. if I can play the piano again. That is the only natural remedy I have for headaches and tension. Chopin nocturnes and Satie do wonders. I think the Bimp would love the soothing music, too.
Oh, what I wouldn't give to zoom up and down the stairs again - go get anything I wanted, take a walk, bend over, run an errand, go to Yoga class, go see a friend, breathe without hurting or crying, bake some bread or cookies, get the mail.
So that's it for now.
Oh - on a funny note: Doug reported that he found an original Degas sketchbook from tongue brushing in the shower this morning. Wow! Silly man.
Love to all.