Monday, October 03, 2005

~ : S E X : ~
This is what sex looks like when you're trying to make a baby. ARRRRRRRGGGGG. Appealing, isn't it? You know what I absolutely hate? I hate it that it's easier to find a book on how to MAKE a baby than it is to find one on how to lose one. Makes me ill. ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG. Not that I don't think that growling will make me more fertile, but making the noise, typing the letters and telling you how frustrated I am with my body helps. A little. Okay, a LOT. Doug and I are on our second cycle of Clomid and let me tell you, it's like being high. It'd be great if I liked being high, but since I'd rather be in control, it's infuriating. I think the most frustrating part is how ferociously it manipulates your hormones. One minute I'm crying tears of joy at the smallest thing and the next my life is coming to an end. It's THAT dramatic. I should probably stop right now and give my sweet husband a hug, because he's been incredible during this time.

Not having control over my own body - over the most elemental thing like being a woman and creating life makes me feel so powerless. Less than. O L D. I am not a person who fails. As an over-acheiving creative, it has been humiliating to fail. Heartbreaking to discover and redsicover failure every month. Hard to interpret the slightest odd sensation or upset stomache with hope. A little bit pregnant, maybe? The weird thing is, all the hope I lose at the end of my cycle, is rekindled again at the start of the next one.

But back to the raw stuff...
What's even more painful is to hear people say to a woman who has miscarried, "Well, at least you know you CAN get pregnant." ARRRRG. You stupid bitch. Don't you know that getting a baby, then losing a baby are two completely different things? Am I supposed to be satisfied or comforted by your blithe assessments? You think you've got it all figured out and fix it for me? Here's a big hint. YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE. Would you say to a father who lost a son, "Well, at least you HAD a child." No way! Would you say to a mother who lost a child, "Well, at least you HAD a child." Having and losing require different parts of yourself to fully process. And to appreciate. They are two entirely different places to be. And I think that LOSS deserves just as much pause, love, attention and reverent respect as ACHIEVEMENT does. I am going to go away and be angry for a while.

I am just weary of the ups and downs, though. All this pain just takes me away from my life. Takes me away from being present. To loving what I have. Taking care of my life. Feeling pleasure. Creating goodness. I spent one evening last month telling myself I didn't belong in this darkness. Not this darkness. It's not me and I don't wanna be there.


k said...

You say that the ups & downs take you away from your life, but that IS life! It's fabulous to experience the goods and the bads. The "bads" serve as strengtheners and allow you to appreciate the goods more. I know I made a comment very similar to this before so I apologize for the reiteration. BUT, everything that has happened is what should have happened because it brought you to where you are now. The "where you are" is a fabulous place where you are free to express your creativity and have created a marvelous family with Doug and Bjorn and have tried and will keep trying to extend the size of that family.
And I fully agree with your sentiments about the statement "at least you got pregnant." A physical capability is worlds apart from the emotional phenomena involved with loss. I'm sorry people said that to you. You know the truth about it, however, so what those folks say is null & void. Bleh to them.

A said...

I remember a quote I hold onto when I'm feeling low is "until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea." Kind of sad, but the bad is what makes us, or maybe what makes me. I think you are the most wonderful and I share in Katie's "bleh to them."

Anne-Davnes said...

Maybe something good happens when you're patient enough to stay with the dark feelings. It's the very last place you want to be, but it's an intense opportunity for growth. So maybe it's not all that bad? One good thing about miscarriage is that it snapped me INTO the present. I was dead at work in a lifeless place and I needed healing. So I quit my job and now am working FOR myself and teaching, which could not be more perfect for me. Life and work are so pleasureable now, they are seamless and I feel as if I've retired. I am a lot happier these days, despite this major frustration. Thank you sweet K and A for your generous comments. xoxo

maryk said...

This isn't the same f-ing idiot who said, "It's OK to cry" after Tommy died, is it?

I will beat her down, if it is.

maryk said...

"I hate it that it's easier to find a book on how to MAKE a baby than it is to find one on how to lose one. "

You touched on this in another entry, and I got to thinking...I would be interested to see some numbers on how many of these types of books sell online....if maybe people feel embarassed to buy books (guys, I'd imagine, more so than gals) on that subject. You would probably do well to open a bookstore with lots of them there.! Maybe there's still such a stigma on it, like it's something one has to just deal with, "it'll get better with time" or something best left to family members to help with....Maybe those books have been replaced with therapists these days...?
I don't know, I'm just trying to wrap my head around it.