~ : S E X : ~
This is what sex looks like when you're trying to make a baby. ARRRRRRRGGGGG. Appealing, isn't it? You know what I absolutely hate? I hate it that it's easier to find a book on how to MAKE a baby than it is to find one on how to lose one. Makes me ill. ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG. Not that I don't think that growling will make me more fertile, but making the noise, typing the letters and telling you how frustrated I am with my body helps. A little. Okay, a LOT. Doug and I are on our second cycle of Clomid and let me tell you, it's like being high. It'd be great if I liked being high, but since I'd rather be in control, it's infuriating. I think the most frustrating part is how ferociously it manipulates your hormones. One minute I'm crying tears of joy at the smallest thing and the next my life is coming to an end. It's THAT dramatic. I should probably stop right now and give my sweet husband a hug, because he's been incredible during this time.
Not having control over my own body - over the most elemental thing like being a woman and creating life makes me feel so powerless. Less than. O L D. I am not a person who fails. As an over-acheiving creative, it has been humiliating to fail. Heartbreaking to discover and redsicover failure every month. Hard to interpret the slightest odd sensation or upset stomache with hope. A little bit pregnant, maybe? The weird thing is, all the hope I lose at the end of my cycle, is rekindled again at the start of the next one.
But back to the raw stuff...
What's even more painful is to hear people say to a woman who has miscarried, "Well, at least you know you CAN get pregnant." ARRRRG. You stupid bitch. Don't you know that getting a baby, then losing a baby are two completely different things? Am I supposed to be satisfied or comforted by your blithe assessments? You think you've got it all figured out and fix it for me? Here's a big hint. YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE. Would you say to a father who lost a son, "Well, at least you HAD a child." No way! Would you say to a mother who lost a child, "Well, at least you HAD a child." Having and losing require different parts of yourself to fully process. And to appreciate. They are two entirely different places to be. And I think that LOSS deserves just as much pause, love, attention and reverent respect as ACHIEVEMENT does. I am going to go away and be angry for a while.
I am just weary of the ups and downs, though. All this pain just takes me away from my life. Takes me away from being present. To loving what I have. Taking care of my life. Feeling pleasure. Creating goodness. I spent one evening last month telling myself I didn't belong in this darkness. Not this darkness. It's not me and I don't wanna be there.