Wednesday, June 13, 2007
~:I • S E E • A • G R E Y • R A B B I T:~
Below is an e-mail I sent to friends and family back in 2004, after a painful miscarriage and an epiphanic moment afterwards. I took a picture of our little grey rabbit gently guarding the base of our japanese maple. Above is the rabbit today. And you all know the rest of the story.
Dear Friends and Family,
I've got something to share with all of you. Brew a pot of tea.
Right after the miscarriage, my parents helped us pick out a tree to plant in our yard, in memory of our baby. I also chose a grey stone rabbit to sit under the tree and watch over the baby. We planted a japanese maple in the front yard, and I placed the rabbit at its base. See attached.
Now about 2 months ago, I sent Jean T. a message telling her my grief was over and confidently went on with life thinking the worst part of these past 3 months were behind me. I had done all the tough crying, wailing, gnashing of teeth, spitting and hitting I could. Got it out of my system. Processed it through art. There. Finis.
Well, it wasn't over. I was wrong.
Just after that winning moment came, I got an invitation to be with friends of ours who had their own one-year-old. I lost it. Went to bed screaming in the pillow. I had done just about every task grief required of me. Except one. I hadn't faced God with it. I hadn't faced the church. Not in months.
So off to church I went the next Sunday. There's a portion of the service where God is asked to speak to those who have a need they don't know they need prayer over. After the Prayers of the People, some folks get images or thoughts in their heads and speak out. These images have special meaning to those who need prayer. If you've got a broken finger and someone in the congregation says, "I see a person in pain, low self esteem....etc..." that's a cue to you from God. "Come talk to me."
So I listened closely as these Words of Knowledge were spoken.
"I see a grey rabbit" someone said. It caught Doug's attention. But not mine.
I walked out of church that day saying. "Well, that wasn't so bad" relieved I didn't have to cry in front of anyone.
We drove home and as we approached the house in our driveway, Doug said, "Hey, look! There's the gray rabbit."
It was then that I realized the meaning of it and that it was meant for me.
It was the most amazing moment. To realize that God personalized a message for YOU really makes you listen. He HEARD me. So we sat in that car for a long time and talked and cried. Talked for the first time about not being afraid anymore - about trying to have another baby. Starting over. New life. Together. And without fear.
We got out of the car and watered the tree together. I noticed that a little bunch of clover sprouted by the bunny. That warmed me inside. And as I changed the setting of the hose to mist, I could see a rainbow.
If this story were fiction, it'd be the worst of worst clichés. But it's not. It's real.
And I am so glad.
Love to you all,